Studio regretfully announces Ninja Turtles sequel

THE producers of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles remake have wearily confirmed that they are doing a follow-up.

A spokesman for Paramount said: “That turtles film took a lot of money over the weekend so I’m afraid there’s going to be another one.

“Maybe if you all went to see decent movies instead we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

The studio said that its open contempt for the film would not stop the general public handing over money at the first whiff of amphibians doing martial arts.

“Probably the next one’s going to have Jim Carrey in it. And they all do a rap at the end.

“Turtle fucking power.”

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Nation grinds to a halt to read Will Self essay

EVERYTHING stopped this weekend while the nation read the latest thoughts to come out of Will Self’s massive brain.

It could explode in a shower of long words

Lugubrious ex-junkie Self set out his thoughts on nihilism on the BBC website, which promptly crashed as insight-starved Brits fell upon his words like starving wolves.

Donna Sheridan, from Romford, said: “The second I heard Will Self was revealing his opinion on alienation in contemporary society, I cancelled all my plans and sprinted home.

“Everyone I know did the same. Then we had an all-night street party to celebrate how clever Will Self is.”

Wayne Hayes, from Gateshead, said: “I printed out a hundred copies of Will Self’s essay and threw them in the bath just so I could feel his wisdom against my naked skin.”

“I’m usually an ambulance driver, but not this weekend. This weekend I was nothing but a grateful novice clutching the hem of Will Self’s learned robe while he taught me about existentialism and youth culture.”

Prime Minister David Cameron said that the sudden halt in productivity was a small price to pay for a new Will Self essay, and that he had called a special cabinet meeting to discuss it.

Cameron said: “Like everyone in Britain, I’d jump off a bridge if Will Self told me to. In fact, I might do it anyway, just to impress him.”

The country seemed poised to return to normality this morning until news broke that Alain de Botton is preparing a new podcast.