Nothing you can say or do will stop us drinking, government told

BRITONS have confirmed that the state can never come between them and drink.

Despite warning labels on alcohol and an ongoing national health crisis, the public confirmed that its relationship with drink was even stronger than how America feels about guns.

31-year-old Emma Bradford said: “Even if all the drink was put behind a 50-foot electrified fence on an island patrolled by white Alsatians in the middle of a shark-infested lake, we would get to it and we would drink it.

“Afterwards we would lie around clutching our heads and groan about how it was not worth it, but we would still do it.

“And again the following day.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “The only way a label on alcohol would put me off is if it said ‘Does not contain alcohol’.”

“If God didn’t mean us to drink, why did he give us livers to process it, or the capacity to free up stomach space for further alcohol by vomiting?

“It’s what they call intelligent design.”

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Builders disappointingly competent

COMPETENT builders have left their middle-class employers unable to complain extensively to friends.

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “I’m desperate to tell everyone I know about our expensive building work, but the efficient and businesslike approach of the workmen has left me without a sly context for doing so.

“I’ve been trying to convince them to knock the wrong wall down, but they’re not having it, they keep saying it’ll make the house collapse.

“How can they be so stupid as to totally not get it?”

“They turn up every day on time and put in a full day of hard manual labour with only sporadic tea breaks. Probably they’ll even finish it on time.

“I hate them so much it makes my hands hurt.”