Nothing you can say or do will stop us drinking, government told

BRITONS have confirmed that the state can never come between them and drink.

It’s the real ‘special relationship’

As the government revealed plans for warning labels on alcohol and ‘drunk fees’ in A & E, the public confirmed that its relationship with drink was even stronger than how America feels about guns.

31-year-old Emma Bradford said: “Even if all the drink was put behind a 50-foot electrified fence on an island patrolled by white Alsatians in the middle of a shark-infested lake, we would get to it and we would drink it.

“Afterwards we would lie around clutching our heads and groan about how it was not worth it, but we would still do it.

“And again the following day.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “The only way a label on alcohol would put me off is if it said ‘Does not contain alcohol’.”

“If God didn’t mean us to drink, why did he give us livers to process it, or the capacity to free up┬ástomach space for further alcohol by vomiting?

“It’s what they call intelligent design.”