Celtic awards bullshit goals to fictional player

CELTIC has invented a fictional hero to take credit for the three goals it never scored.

The club was awarded a completely made-up 3-0 Champions League qualifying victory over Legia Warsaw after the Polish team accidentally fielded an invincible football robot for two minutes of injury time.

Now the Glasgow club has honoured the achievement by awarding the goals to the fictional attacking midfielder, Declan Sanchez.

A club spokesman said: “Declan is a working class boy from Galway whose grandfather was an Argentinian human rights activist and a close friend of Che Guevara.

“Declan joined Celtic at the age of seven after being spotted by Kenny Dalglish, adopted by Charlie Nicholas and trained by Henrik Larsson. When he is not creating and scoring magnificent goals he writes poetry about imperialist oppression.

“And he has the voice of an angel.”