Celtic awards bullshit goals to fictional player

CELTIC has invented a fictional hero to take credit for the three goals it never scored.

The club was awarded a completely made-up 3-0 Champions League qualifying victory over Legia Warsaw after the Polish team accidentally fielded an invincible football robot for two minutes of injury time.

Now the Glasgow club has honoured the achievement by awarding the goals to the fictional attacking midfielder, Declan Sanchez.

A club spokesman said: “Declan is a working class boy from Galway whose grandfather was an Argentinian human rights activist and a close friend of Che Guevara.

“Declan joined Celtic at the age of seven after being spotted by Kenny Dalglish, adopted by Charlie Nicholas and trained by Henrik Larsson. When he is not creating and scoring magnificent goals he writes poetry about imperialist oppression.

“And he has the voice of an angel.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Non-parents best at child rearing

PEOPLE who do not have children know more about raising them than those who do, it has been confirmed.

According to new research parents came bottom of the table with a wildly haphazard approach to child-rearing involving far too many DVDs and corn-based snacks.

Roy Hobbs, 56, who spent too long in the navy to settle down and start a family, said: “Parents are liberal do-gooders who don’t understand that children need boundaries and discipline.

“If they got locked in cupboards overnight as a punishment there wouldn’t be any crime.”

Mary Fisher, 48, who always knows exactly what to do,  said: “Parents are the kind of irresponsible people who have sexual intercourse, which everyone knows is disgustingly unhygienic.

“It’s all about fresh air. If kids were made to go outside instead of staring at computers the oxygen would make their brains grow bigger and they would all have IQs of about 200.”