SOMETIMES a film is so bad you weirdly hold it against the actors. These top Hollywood stars have missed out on sex with you due to their poor choice of scripts:
Brie Larson
It feels a bit unfair to not shag Brie on the basis of Captain Marvel alone, but you still resent slogging through a leaden female empowerment message in superhero clothing. And she has since appeared in Fast X, making it clear sexism does not matter to her. Still, The Marvels, though.
Jennifer Lawrence
It’s difficult to separate Jennifer from Katniss in The Hunger Games, with the risk of the unforgettable image of Peeta disguised as a rock coming to mind during sex. Maybe it would work out if you were really into Young Adult fiction but then you’d have to shag everyone in The Maze Runner and Divergent, and no-one wants that.
Jason Statham
Jase would be quite the catch at, say, a regional estate agents’ conference. But the shit films just keep on coming: Transporter 3, The Expendables 3, Gnomeo & Juliet. You could overlook his baldness – he carries it off rather well – but you can’t overlook Meg 2: The Trench. Nobody can.
Jai Courtney
Want to be reminded of the yawn-inducing entertainment marathons that were Terminator Genisys and Suicide Squad? No? Then don’t sleep with this Australian hunk. Even a meaningless one-night stand might force you to admit to a friend: ‘I had sex with Captain Boomerang.’ It’s just not worth it.
Daisy Ridley
If you’d only seen Daisy in Murder on the Orient Express she’d be a ‘definitely’. But after the baffling mess which was The Rise of Skywalker, you’d never get round to sex because you’d be too busy asking her questions like ‘Why has Evil Rey got pointy teeth?’ and ‘Did they even have a script?’
Jared Leto
Jared’s impressive handsomeness is overshadowed by his memorably awful Joker. Christ that twat wouldn’t shut up. Maybe that’s why Harley Quinn willingly underwent mind-unravelling ECT – she wanted to blot out the fact that she was going out with a massive wanker.
Alden Ehrenreich
Another victim of Disney Star Wars. The star of Solo is good-looking and quite talented, managing a decent impression of Harrison Ford during a terrible prequel full of continuity problems. And therein lies the problem. You’d be in the middle of foreplay when you’d blurt out: ‘Alden, stop that. I just really need to know – does an Imperial administrator just give you a name and you just keep it? Is that how it works? What if he’d called you Han No-Mates? Or Bongo Bellend?’
Megan Fox
Walking home after a romantic meal, you gaze into each other’s eyes. Your lips meet, and your mind fills with giant robots beating each other. What’s going on? Is that one Megabot? Who’s fighting who? Why is everything blowing up? Why’s that one got a sword? That ginormous robot is bigger than the car it just was! With a tear in your eye, you say farewell to Megan forever, realising it can never work with a woman who makes you think about robots with testicles.
