Britain cracks under strain of pretending this weather is pleasant

THE UK is breaking down after three weeks claiming that horrendously hot, sticky, sleepless weather is something they enjoy.

Britons who have soldiered through 21 days of ‘another gorgeous morning’ and ‘feels like the Algarve’ are now openly admitting they cannot stand this f**king horrible sunshine a minute longer.

Susan Traherne of Reading said: “When’s it raining next? Can’t come soon enough.

“Why lie? The baking sun isn’t fun. Walking down the street is a woozy ordeal, simple tasks are foully sweaty, and no meal is the right meal. Your arse sticks to your chair and your laptop’s fused to your thighs.

“I said to Steve in the office ‘Were you out in the garden last night?’ and he replied ‘No, because it’s far too f**king hot and I’m not slathering myself in factor 50 to sit looking at my kitchen extension’, so we’re on the same page.

“On holiday there’s beaches, siestas and daytime lager. Here I’m sleeping with a fan on and the windows open by a busy main road and frankly it sucks balls. I haven’t opened the curtains at home since Sunday. F**k the sun. Give me 19 days of drizzle anytime.”

Colleague Steve Malley said: “Foreigners live like this all the time. And that only increases my contempt for them.”

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Hollywood stars you wouldn't shag because of their shit films

SOMETIMES a film is so bad you weirdly hold it against the actors. Here are some top Hollywood stars who’ve missed out on sex with you due to their poor choice of scripts.

Brie Larson 

It feels a bit unfair to not shag Brie on the basis of Captain Marvel, but you still resent slogging through that half-arsed superhero movie with a leaden female empowerment message. Also Brie seems very into dreary social justice issues in real life too, so it’s probably best if she sleeps on the sofa. (You’d offer her the bed but she might shout at you for patronising her.) 

Jennifer Lawrence

It’s difficult to separate Jennifer from Katniss in The Hunger Games, with the risk of remembering the unforgettable image of Peeta disguised as a rock during sex. Maybe it would work out if you were really into Young Adult Fiction, but then you’d have to shag everyone in The Maze Runner and Divergent, and no one wants that.

Jason Statham 

Jase would be quite the catch at, say, a regional estate agents’ conference. But the shit films just keep on coming: Transporter 3, The Expendables 3, Gnomeo & Juliet. You could overlook his bald patch – he carries it off rather well – but you can’t overlook the upcoming Meg 2: The Trench. You’d probably have to see it with him and pretend not to be bored.

Jai Courtney 

Want to be reminded of the yawn-inducing entertainment marathons that were Terminator Genisys and Suicide Squad? No? Then don’t sleep with this Australian hunk. Even a meaningless one-night stand might force you to admit to a friend: ‘I had sex with Captain Boomerang.’ It’s just not worth it.

Daisy Ridley 

If you’d only seen Daisy in Murder on the Orient Express she’d be a ‘definitely’. But after the baffling mess which was The Rise of Skywalker, you’d never get round to sex because you’d be too busy asking her questions like: ‘Why has Evil Rey got pointy teeth?’

Jared Leto 

Jared’s impressive handsomeness is overshadowed by his memorably awful Joker. Christ that pretentious twat wouldn’t shut up. Maybe that’s why Harley Quinn willingly underwent mind-unravelling ECT – she wanted to blot out the fact that she was going out with a massive wanker. 

Alden Ehrenreich 

Another victim of Disney Star Wars. The star of Solo is good-looking and quite talented, managing a decent impression of Harrison Ford during the crap prequel full of stupid continuity problems. And therein lies the problem. You’d be in the middle of foreplay when you’d blurt out: ‘Alden, stop that. I just really need to know – does an Imperial administrator just give you a name and you just keep it? Is that how it works? What if he’d called you Han No-Mates? Or Bongo Bellend?’

Megan Fox 

Walking home after a romantic meal, you gaze into each other’s eyes. Your lips meet, and YOUR MIND IS FILLED WITH MASSIVE GREAT ROBOTS BATTERING THE F**K OUT OF EACH OTHER. What’s going on? Is that one Megabot? Who’s fighting who? Why is everything blowing up? Why’s that one got a sword? That ginormous robot is bigger than the car it just was! With a tear in your eye, you say farewell to Megan forever, realising it can never work with a woman who makes you think about robots with testicles.