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Normal people mourn the return of Doctor Who

WELL-ADJUSTED adults who enjoy quality programming are mourning the return of Doctor Who to the nation’s screens.

With the 14th season about to start, people who grew out of Doctor Who at an appropriate age are steeling themselves for yet another series of baffling, hyperactive time travel adventures and the now-familiar debate about whether it is dreadful woke bollocks.

Donna Sheridan from Shrewsbury said: “Ah, so the annual ordeal is upon us once again, like a tax return or a trip to the dentist. 

“It’s not a bad show when you’re eight and you don’t know any better. But once you’ve seen proper shows like Succession or, dare I say it, Edge of Darkness, it’s very hard to care about whether the Timeless Child bullshit is canon or not. 

“Yet somehow I feel the need to watch it. I don’t know if I’m praying for this one to be good or if I’ve got a secret interest in gender studies.”

Martin Bishop from Basingstoke said: “Great, that’s life ruined for the next few weeks. Nerds will bore you to death with their endless criticisms of a show they claim to love, while tabloids will be attacking it with barely-concealed transphobia. That’s what you want from a fun time travel show.

“Anyway, didn’t it come back at Christmas? Or last November? And wasn’t David Tennant in it again but now he’s not? And why the f**k do I know all this, I’ve never even watched it. Because I’m normal.”

Diehard ‘Whovian’ Martin Bishop said: “Trust me, nobody is more upset about Doctor Who returning than me and all the other members of Gallifrey Base. We will be forensically studying every second then saying it’s not for us anymore. Again.”