Britons prepare for cold weather by already having coats and houses

TERRIFIED Britons are frantically preparing for colder weather by already having the things they need to comfortably survive it. 

Forecasters have warned the only way to protect yourself from the lower temperatures is to continue behaving as normal. 

Meteorologist Helen Archer said: “You don’t even have to turn the heating up. Just leave it on. 

“Pretend to be terrified of some snow if you like. But we all know that by 7pm you’ll be inside looking at it through double-glazing sipping a hot drink and wearing a t-shirt.”

“It’s basically as if a zombie apocalypse was approaching, but everyone already had impregnable zombie-proof fortresses and fully-functioning anti-zombie suits.”

Susan Traherne, from Ipswich, said: “I haven’t got any gloves, so there is a real danger I could lose one or more fingers to frostbite. 

“But then it turns out they sell them in the shops.” 

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35-year-old at hip hop gig questioning everything

A 35-year-old man at a hip hop gig is questioning everything, it has been revealed.

Nathan Muir is the last of his friends to still attend live music events, even if it’s mainly to see 90s rappers who, like him, have some grey in their beards and tired eyes.

Muir said: “Do I actually like this? It seems very busy here and takes ages to get served at the bar because the staff haven’t had proper training.

“Working in an insurance office, I feel I have less than ever in common with Method Man.”

He added: “What’s with my haircut, anyway? And these shoes are frankly ridiculous. They’ve got a basketball player on them and I don’t even play basketball. I like cricket, Risk, and sometimes Call of Duty when the kids have gone to bed.

“If I leave now I can be back in time for Newsnight. I think there’s still some ham in the fridge.”