Quiz: Are you the selfish git on the pavement?

CAN you perform the relatively simple tasking of walking down a street without making other pedestrians want to punch you? Take our quiz and find out.

You are walking down the street when you get an unimportant text. Do you:

A. Stop and reply, or wait until you get home.
B. Stride along tapping furiously, knocking others aside like a bowling ball at a skittle alley, except the skittles are grannies.

You and your friends are walking down the street when – unbelievably – a person approaches in the opposite direction. What do you do?

A. Briefly assume single file allowing them to pass.
B. Continue to occupy all the pavement as if some hitherto unknown law of physics will allow solid objects to pass through each other.

On a busy street, how should you walk?

A.Normally, but with an awareness that other people are around.
B. Incredibly slowly in the middle of the pavement, frequently stopping suddenly or abruptly turning 90 degrees and sprinting to a shop window because there is something incredibly exciting in it like a shoe.

As a dog owner, how would you describe pavements?

A. Handy for walks and a route to the park.
B. An opportunity to see how far your 35m extendable lead will reach and a massive toilet.

You are walking down the street with a woman you fancy. What should you do?

A. Chat and behave normally.
B. Go into ‘clown overdrive mode’ and leap around madly pointing things out and trying to be funny, causing other pedestrians to be both annoyed and amused simultaneously.

Mostly As. You have mastered the art of walking to places in a normal fashion. Well done.

Mostly Bs. Everyone hates you. Stop walking and get a car instead. Just try not to park it in an ambulance bay all the time.

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Labour unveils plan to stay in EU but be a bit arsey about it

LABOUR’S Brexit strategy is to stay in the EU but in a really grudging way and moan all the time, the party has announced.

The policy aims to prevent the harmful economic effects of Brexit while also appeasing those who hate the EU or simply enjoy complaining about foreigners.

Shadow Brexit secretary Keir Starmer said: “Our vision of Brexit is a productive, mutually respectful relationship with our European partners. God, I hate those bastards. Have you ever owned a Citroen? They’re shit.

“You know I have to keep going to all these meetings bloody miles away in Europe where you can’t even get a proper Wetherspoons breakfast with a pint of Old Peculiar?

“We’re delighted to continue to benefit from many billions of pounds of frictionless trade. It would be nice if they’d sort out more lucrative international deals for us, but that’s lazy continentals for you.”

European Council president Donald Tusk said: “So Britain’s plan is to remain in the EU while being whiny fuckers about everything? Great to have you guys back!”