Children Warned Not To Suck On Hybrid Car Exhausts

CHILDREN have been warned not to suck on the exhaust pipes of hybrid cars amid fears they may not be 100% safe.

Government scientists say the cars may be producing more than just gentle waftings of spring-fresh air that make the bees and the flowers dance.

Roy Hobbs, director of Her Majesty's Exhaust Laboratory in Reading, said: "Our initial study suggested that although these cars run on petrol most of the time, it was as if they were scrubbing the air clean with Ecover detergents.

"It's similar to the effect generated by bio-fuel or conventional cars that have had their emissions offset.

"Fields and forests come alive as these vehicles drive past. Birds, insects and small animals feel invigorated by whatever life-enhancing substance is belching out the rear end."

Mr Hobbs said the laboratory reassessed its findings after it was pointed out that the initial research was based largely on television adverts.

"I liked the one for where the filthy exhaust is transformed into a jolly pipe full of wildflowers and butterflies," said Mr Hobbs.

But he added: "We did a series of 'suck-tests' and, strangely enough, there was a smidgen of instantaneously lethal poison in there too.

"Not enough to kill a tree or a whale or one of those poor dancing bears, but certainly enough to kill a person."

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Ulster Police Deafened By Catholic Screams

YEARS of listening to the ear-splitting crack of Catholic skulls has left hundreds of RUC officers with hearing difficulties, it was claimed last night.

The former policemen are demanding more than £60 million in compensation for what they say was a preventable injury while subduing the minions of Rome.

Denys Hatton, the officers' solicitor, said: "In 2007 you would not dream of sending men into battle against the forces of Popery and idolatry without a decent pair of ear muffs.

"Many of these men had to endure two decades of noisy plastic bullets, republican megaphones and wave after wave of pathetic, screeching bog-trotters shouting, 'please stop hitting me'."

Last year a group of ex-RUC officers was awarded an out-of-court settlement for cartilage injuries caused by repeatedly ramming their kneecaps into hundreds of pairs of Nationalist testicles.

Mr Hatton said: "No-one wants to go for a jog or a swim and have everyone staring at the tell-tale Fenian gonad imprints on your thighs.

"The British government has a duty to compensate these brave men," he added. "They followed their orders and only a very small majority would have done it for nothing anyway."