Countryside noisy as f**k

A COUPLE wanting a peaceful day out away from the noise and hurly-burly of city life have found the countryside to be a clamorous nightmare.

Nikki and Stephen Hollis took a trip to an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty expecting peace and serenity, but instead were faced with an absolute f**king racket.

Nikki Hollis said: “We stepped out of the car thinking we’d take a tranquil stroll, but the first field we came to was full of bellowing cows, and the second had a loudly rumbling tractor ploughing a field, followed by a flock of shrieking seagulls.

“We walked on past a farmyard with several dogs, who all started barking as we approached, which set off a pair of cockerels, and then a man starting shouting at us to ‘piss off out of it’ from inside the house.

“Then we were followed down a lane by local lads booming out techno from a speaker on a screaming quad bike, before we ended up stumbling up the embankment of a busy motorway while electricity pylons buzzed overhead at a pitch that gave us both cracking headaches.

“So all in all, the countryside is a noisy, unwelcoming, terrifying nightmare. Give me a crime-filled urban backstreet any day. Much calmer and safer.”

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Couple join '25 metre-down club' by having sex on tube

TWO young people who engaged in sexual activity on the London Underground have joined the illustrious ranks of the ’25 metre-down club’.

Lauren Hewitt and Jack Browne used the opportunity of a deserted carriage on the Jubilee Line to have a quick, fumbled shag in a unique subterranean environment.

Hewitt said: “After a family of Spanish tourists alighted at Swiss Cottage, we decided to get our rocks off.

“It was incredibly erotic. The intense sensuality of having sex on a filthy seat next to a banana peel and a copy of today’s Metro with the crossword half-completed is one that’s going to be hard to beat.

“I didn’t even realise there was a club for thrillseekers like us. I’ve heard of the mile high club, of course, but that would have been impossible for me to join as I’ve only ever been on a plane with my parents.”

Brown said: “I wouldn’t bother again. The sex was fine, don’t get me wrong, but there was something off-putting about the constant station announcements.

“Also, I kept getting distracted by the disembodied voice saying ‘See it, say it, sorted’. Or is it ‘See it, say it, sort it’? Either way, it really put me off my stroke.”