Dad assigning Christmas Day parking slots

A DAD has been allotting time slots for visitors on Christmas Day to prevent parking issues on his beloved drive.

Roy Hobbs, aged 63, drawing on several decades of experience with festive congestion, has structured a precise timetable for visiting family and friends to adhere to.

His daughter Joanna said: “I received a letter inside mum and dad’s Christmas card which informed me that parking outside next door’s is forbidden after last year’s debacle with Auntie June’s mobility scooter.

“It went on to say that due to this we will only be able to use the drive, which is large enough for either two saloons or one SUV and one Smart car per visit.

“There was a questionnaire attached which asked about things like ‘length of intended stay’ and ‘vehicle dimensions’, and included a stern warning about returning it promptly in the stamped addressed envelope provided.

“We received our slots a week later. I’d asked for 10am to 12pm but was given 5pm to 6pm inclusive, which means the kids will be both high as kites on selection boxes and knackered little shitbags. Serves him right I suppose.”

She added: “At least we know now why he asked mum to get him a high-vis jacket and clipboard for Christmas.”

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Christmas Eve tipple turns into all-night session

A FAMILY who opened a bottle of prosecco for Christmas Eve have descended into a raucous night of heavy boozing.

Normally sedate couple Martin and Mary Bishop were so pleased to have their children Jack and Bridget home for Christmas that they suggested opening a bottle to toast their togetherness.

Mary slurred: “We’ve not all been here since 2019 so I suggested a little glass of fizz. And it went down very, very well.

“So we opened the red I was planning for lunch tomorrow, then the boys started on beers and Bridge unlocked the liquor cabinet. Soon it was midnight and we’d even gone through the cream sherry I keep for Martin’s bloody mother. Who arrives in nine hours. Shit.”

Daughter Bridget agreed: “We are shitfaced. I’ve been out in the garden having fags, and I’m pretty sure one of the neighbours kids put his head out and asked if Santa had been yet, and I told him to f**k off.”

Son Jack Bishop noted, “This isn’t the first time Christmas Day will be a total write-off, but it is the first time everyone in the family will all be suffering the same disgusting hangover.”

“That’s a nice thought. It’s a season of togetherness, after all.”