Only shit chocolates left

IT IS 1pm on Christmas Day and there are only shit chocolates left, the nation has confirmed. 

Dinner has yet to be served, the Top of The Pops Christmas special is still ringing in the country’s ears, and guests are yet to arrive but tubs of Quality Street are already denuded of all the good ones.

Helen Archer, aged 45, said: “Look, I only had them because everyone else was having them.

“They got popped open, I grabbed a couple of my favourites, I noticed with alarm that the kids were doing the same and they were going down fast and it spiralled into a race of consumption.

“Soon there were only toffee pennies and those vile blue ones left. So we had to open the Heroes and well, I’m not proud of what happened. I hope Granny likes eclairs.”

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “90 per cent of a tub of chocolate’s value lies in 20 per cent of its contents, and that 20 per cent is gone in minutes. The rest will still be hanging around uneaten at New Year.

“Except Celebrations, where only the Teasers are good, they’re gone in seconds and the rest will linger unwanted all week before being taken into work on the 3rd.”

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How to navigate a pub full of twats from school

VISITING your parents for Christmas? Chances are you’ll end up in a pub with old schoolmates either in the same boat or who never moved away. Get through it:

Realise the girl you fancied has awful political views

You can’t deny Michelle her political opinions because you used to perv over her playing netball. But now she’s got the usual tabloid-approved list of right-wing views about immigrants, dole scroungers and so on. Still, your last interaction was wanking over her in 1998, so it should be easy to move on.

Have your career bigged-up in advance

One schoolmate is bound to be raking it in at some City firm, so plan how you can make your own dismal career sound better than it is. Normally you’d despise yourself for this sort of bullshit, but there’s no way you’re going to be defeated again by a geeky four-eyed bastard who always beat you in maths tests.

Harden your heart to the unpopular kid

Oddball Terry was ostracised at school. He’s probably just a regular guy, you think as he enters the pub. He’s not. He’s still a f**king weirdo. No one will join you if you’re talking to him and he’ll assume you’re deeply interested in his job castrating pigs.

Expect ill-informed yokel crap

If you’ve moved to any major city, especially London, be prepared to patiently deal with these comments from the peasantry: ‘Bet you’re on 500k’, ‘I couldn’t live there with all the crime’, ‘My cousin lives in Wimbledon. You should meet up.’ It feels a bit unfair, as you don’t say: ‘So you still live in this semi-rural area? What’s it like having cows nesting in your loft?’

Take pleasure in the embittered former cool kid

This former schoolmate peaked aged 14. He had the girls, the trainers, the homemade hip-hop compilations on C60s. The former cock of the roost is now prematurely aged and full of regrets, having f**ked his exams and worked at the local meat processing factory since he was 16. You’d feel sorry for him, but he used to cruelly mock your spots, so karmic justice has been served.

Bullies’ capacity for violence is unchanged

Most school bullies become normal adults. However some develop their interest in violence via the EDL or the local football team’s ‘firm’. Try not to show fear as you suddenly realise you’re chatting away happily in a lion’s den of local casuals who are hoping Santa brings them a Stanley knife.