King Charles uses first Christmas message to attack inconsistencies in VAR

KING Charles III has used his first address to the nation to attack the inconsistent use of video assistant referees in domestic football. 

Charles ignored the cost of living crisis, energy shortages and war in Ukraine to instead share his thoughts on the errors made at Stockley Park judging red cards, handball and increasingly marginal offsides.

He continued: “A lot of water has passed under the bridge since August. We lost Britain’s longest-serving monarch, my dear mother, and Britain’s shortest-serving prime minister.

“But throughout I have remained unequivocally livid about Ivan Toney’s disallowed goal against Fulham, because that was in no sense of the word offside.

“Likewise West Ham’s equaliser against Chelsea, disallowed for a supposed foul on Edouard Mendy. Thousands of Britons lost their accumulators on that decision. Thousands more saw their fantasy football teams crippled.

“We have reached the point where crowds attending games are unable to celebrate goals because they are waiting for VAR. It is tearing the very heart from football. The FA has a moral duty to act.

“I wish you all a very happy Christmas.”

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “This is the benefit of a King on the throne. He’s talking bloody sense.”

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Santa does traditional shit in naughty family's fireplace

FATHER Christmas has visited the naughty family on the estate to let them know of his displeasure by leaving a massive turd. 

Santa came down their chimney, looked with disappointment at their front room full of stolen goods and drug paraphernalia, lowered his fur-trimmed red trousers and shat on their fireplace with a ‘Ho ho ho!’

He said: “Oh dear, you have been naughty this year, haven’t you? Kayden’s been suspended from two schools and a pupil referral unit and Dad’s been on remand.

“Meanwhile bad old Mum’s wearing an ankle tag, isn’t she? And little Joilee? Why, she’s been banned from every social media network going for her spreading of vile, baseless rumours about girls in her year!

“I’m afraid there are no gifts in Santa’s sack for you boys and girls, not this year. And Santa Claus doesn’t leave coal anymore because of global warming, so get ready.

“Here it comes! Oh, the thought of your faces when you come down to find this Yule log in your fireplace! Perhaps that will cause you to mend your ways! Ho ho ho!”

The family will be delighted on Christmas morning that their smackhead uncle was so wrecked he did his usual burglary dump but forgot to take anything.