Six Christmas foods you've bought way too much of that'll be going in the bin

BOUGHT shitloads of food in to make sure you’re covered for two f**king days? Chances are you’ll be emptying half this perishable shit in the bin by Wednesday.

Mince pies

Because everybody loves mince pies, right? Well, no. They’ll have one to be polite, but your blind terror at not having enough led you to snaffle up three bloody boxes. The result is you’ve ended up with a cupboard full of dried fruit wrapped in sugary, fat-laden pastry that’s out of date before New Year. Just like last time. 


You barely eat fruit the rest of the year, so why have you become obsessed with the idea that everyone is about to develop an addiction to undersize oranges for three days? You only bought them because you thought they’d look Christmassy in your always-empty fruit bowl. The heating is on full and now you’re left with what looks like a macabre collection of shrivelled ginger testicles. More fodder for the pedal bin.

So much f**king meat

There’s the turkey so huge it barely fits in the oven and looks like it could have given a T-Rex a run for its money. Then there’s an army of pigs in blankets. And a baked ham. Ooh, and that charcuterie platter looks nice. You could dump the leftovers in the Serengeti and the lions wouldn’t need to hunt for a fortnight. Instead you’ll have meat sweats for five days and if you see another turkey f**king sandwich you’ll scream. You promise you’ll scale it back next year. You won’t.


There’s six of you for Christmas dinner, and no one will eat more than two for fear of chronic, embarrassing flatulence, yet you still bought a massive f**king stick with 50-odd of the horrible f**kers on. You wedged it defiantly into the fridge, making it impossible to get to proper things like the ketchup and mayo. Take some comfort in the fact that you can at least chuck them in the green bin. Greta Thunberg would be proud of you.


Because when you’ve already ploughed your way through a massive roast, Christmas pudding and a tsunami of chocolate, it’s only logical to squeeze in enough foreign cheese to make Liz Truss’s head explode with rage. Brie, obviously, is essential. Ditto Camembert, cave-aged goat’s cheese, whatever the f**k that means, and the Stilton no-one touches apart from your nan. Three days after Christmas and your fridge stinks like a Frenchman’s jockstrap. Hold your nose and grab a bin liner.


You laughed at pensioners panic-buying white sliced loaves in the pandemic, but now you’re just as bad. White or brown? Best get both, there’s bound to be one picky bugger. And those part-baked baguettes will go well with Boxing Day leftovers. That rosemary and sea salt focaccia looks good too. And on it goes. Come Tuesday you’ll be so carbed up you won’t shit for a fortnight.

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Six Disney princes and princesses you definitely would

DESPITE being films for the whole family, there are plenty of Disney characters you’d do given half the chance. Here are some of their most shaggable animated hotties:

Ariel from The Little Mermaid

With her flowing locks of auburn hair and stunning singing voice, Ariel is a knockout. Most people would probably go for the on-land version as the logistics of mermaid sex are hard to fathom, but it would be boring not to be able to chat to her. Another negative is her obsession with gizmos, whatsits and thingamabobs, as it means she’d probably want to drag you round car boots every weekend.

Gaston from Beauty and the Beast

Gaston is a right bastard, which would make for a toxic, difficult relationship, but he’s just so much hotter than the typical soppy Disney bloke like Ariel’s beau Eric. Gaston has colossal muscles and a head like an Easter Island statue and, even though you know he’ll break your heart, you’d definitely let him whisk you away into the forest and shag you up against a majestic cartoon oak tree.

Rapunzel from Tangled

Not only is Rapunzel a beauty, but – due to being locked in a tower her whole life – she’s been bored out of her mind and is desperate to have new experiences and learn new skills. So not only would she be an enthusiastic sexual partner but she’d also be thrilled to learn how to tarmac your drive, rewire the house and cook a Beef Wellington. The one downside is that, having 50 metres of hair to maintain, she’d take ages getting ready for a night out.

Elsa from Frozen

If you like your women poised, complicated and able to create and control ice and snow, then Elsa is the one for you. You’d have to live in an ice palace, which might be a bit chilly, but think of all the time you’d have to get really good at skiing. Elsa’s got a lot going for her and would 100% get it, as long as she signed a legally binding contract never to sing that f**king song.

Grown-up Simba from The Lion King

Noble, regal and handsome, the adult Simba is a stone-cold hunk with a lustrous mane, a gravelly voice and a burning desire to avenge his father’s death. And no, it’s not at all weird to fancy non-human Disney characters, as ardent fans of the Robin Hood fox, Lady from Lady and the Tramp and that sexy teapot from Beauty and Beast will assure you.