Thursday, 15th April 2021

Ethical crackers 'a load of wank'

MODERN crackers that do not even contain a magic fish or plastic jumping frog are just wank, everyone has agreed.

Tom Logan still has a joyless half-pack of buff crackers left over from last year and would rather have big gold shiny ones with glitter on.

He said: “First you have to make them yourself. I got the wife to do it because I didn’t want to spoil the surprise.

“They bang, so presumably gunpowder’s eco-friendly, but they’re falling apart before you pull them and the paper hat’s not a crown, because that’s elitist.

“And it’s just toys inside as usual, but not plastic. I guess the earth isn’t running out of wood, but is a wooden reindeer so much more ethical than a fortune-telling fish?

“The joke was the thing that really ruined my whole Christmas. And this year too. ‘What did the plutocrats sailing the ship of capitalism shout when they saw the end of their global warming genocide approaching?’

“The punchline was, I’m ashamed to say, ‘Thunberg, dead ahead.’”