Thursday, 15th April 2021

How to bollocks up your Christmas shopping

READY to spend the last few days before Christmas in a blind panic for gifts and food, online or in real life? Here’s how to end up with none of the stuff you need.

Raid your supplies

Eat all the chocolates, mince pies and even essentials like the pigs-in-blankets. If you’re very weak-willed, roast your turkey while pissed one evening to make a delicious pile of sandwiches. Then have a coronary rushing round the shops to replace it all.

Be selfish

Is your girlfriend totally uninterested in computer games? Clearly you should buy her a Nintendo Switch. Also a great way of catching up on your viewing, eg Tenet on DVD for your mum who wanted the new Mary Poppins.

Leave it till the last millisecond

Everyone knows the Christmas consumer orgy gets more and more frenzied right up until the shops are locked on the 25th and the staff help themselves to whatever they want for free. Ignore this and be surprised when Christmas dinner is a pack of sliced ham, microwave chips and watery tinned carrots from Happy Shopper.

Planning is for twats

Buy randomly to get it all wrong, for example 20 boxes of biscuits but no gravy or potatoes. Don’t make lists, ensuring the uncle you never see gets an expensive scarf and gloves, while your own wife makes do with a white Toblerone.

Make regrettable impulse purchases 

Amazon or eBay, ideally. A light-up holly wreath, nylon Santa hats, a vastly overpriced bottle of port, or a digital camera for a mate who’d have been happy lager. If it’s expensive and adds nothing to your festive enjoyment, buy it now.

Lose all sense of proportion and get insanely stressed-out

If you are causing irreparable damage to your relationship with a blazing row about forgetting to buy brandy butter, you are bollocksing up your Christmas shopping superbly.