Tory fears grow as fox spotted on top of horse

TORY fears of a brutal fox insurgency are growing  after one of them was spotted trying to ride a horse.

Martin Bishop, a big fat Tory who farms eight million acres near Asterley in Shropshire, said: “It was all a bit haphazard. He obviously didn’t know where to put his back legs and he kept falling off.

“But he was wearing a little hat, so they obviously know about equestrian safety. I’ll tell you what, once these buggers get the hang of it, I am a dead man walking.”

Bill McKay, assistant chief constable of Shropshire Police, said: “I would advise Tories to stay indoors unless they’re very good at hiding in hedgerows or able to leave some kind of false scent.

“But if a Tory does find yourself in open countryside with a group of mounted foxes hurtling towards it, either pretend to be a tree or try digging a hole really, really quickly.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “There is no more dangerous combination in all of nature than a fox who knows how to ride a horse.

“It would be fascinating to see a group of mounted foxes up close. I wonder if they’ll be twats?”

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Festival-Goers Warned Over Non-Corporate Sponsored Drugs

AS the summer festival season gets under way, organisers have warned against using ecstasy, cocaine and skunk that does not carry the logo of an official sponsor.

Festival-goers are being urged to stick to corporate-branded narcotics at events including The Big Mong, Escape to the Former Trading Estate and Gurnfest.

A spokesman for promotion company Beaufoy Industrial Ventures (Guernsey) plc, trading as FucktheMan Ltd, said: “We are excited to announce deals with a major burger chain, a trainer company and the ethical smoothee maker Friendly Cow.

“With their help we are able to bring festival-goers high-quality promotional drugs that will get them absolutely ripped to the tits in a safe, corporate environment.

“Friendly Cow pills contain 5655mg of MDMA, which according to science is enough to make being tortured seem really chilled and groovy.”

He added: “Inevitably there will be some individuals selling unofficial drugs, perhaps bearing the logos of companies not directly associated with the festival.

“Be warned – these illicit brand pushers do not care about the corporate values of the companies their drugs are promoting, or whether they are consistent with the event’s overall brand identity.

“They will also make you have a massive anal haemorrhage in front of attractive girls.”

Forty nine year-old festival-goer and mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “I’ll be taking my teenage daughters to Gurnfest this year, so it’ll be very reassuring to see lots of familiar household names all over our drugs and shit.”

Music lover Nathan Muir added: “Part of me believes this is about the increasing corporatisation of music culture and subtly demeaning to the notion of experiencing art in an autonomous communal environment. But a bigger part of me couldn’t give a fuck if it means I can get so totally monkeyed I end up thinking I’m one of Queen Victoria’s nipples.”