Fears grow that recycling could become inconvenient

BRITONS facing the prospect of the first mildly left-leaning government in 14 years are concerned that it could make recycling a little bit harder to do. 

A Labour majority may mean the adoption of environmentally-friendly policies, like food waste bins or having to wash jars out, which could make being green for ordinary hard-working people a pain in the arse.

Architect and father-of-two Tom Logan said: “I don’t mind buying the rainforest biscuits or the dreadful sandals made from reconditioned cat uterus. That’s consumerist.

“But any requirement that I keep an open slop bucket in the kitchen, or treat bin rubbish with care, or anything that restricts my driving 500 metres to the shops in a diesel SUV, I’m not keen on that.”

Teacher and Ecover washing-up liquid buyer Nikki Hollis said: “I firmly believe we must safeguard the planet’s natural resources for future generations, as long as it doesn’t involve too much pissing about.

“I fear a Labour government may raise the moral obligation bar to a level where you have to put yourself out a bit, for example old-fashioned nappies you have to wash the turds off, or returning glass bottles for a deposit like the Bash Street Kids.”

“I’ll be buggered if I’m fingering bits of sweaty cucumber. It’s all too wartime and unsexy, like my nan.”

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Naive 16-year-old fan wondering what's happened to England

AN innocent young England fan who has only known Gareth Southgate as manager is puzzled as to why the team is rubbish all of a sudden.

Joshua Hudson has been left baffled by England’s unusually sluggish performance in the Euros, because in his limited experience they are supposed to be a dynamic team capable of mounting a decent midfield attack.

He said: “Scoring an opening goal then quickly losing all cohesion and energy? This isn’t the England I know and love.

“Rather than being 90 minutes of electrifying football, with each goal more thrilling than the last, yesterday’s match was a nerve-shredding slog that seemed to drag on forever and ended in a disappointing draw. What gives?

“Where’s England’s trademark chemistry, teamwork and attention to detail? It’s almost as if they’ve been buoyed along by misplaced confidence for a few years and now reality has slapped them in the face.

“We should have sailed through these opening games and started making room in our trophy cabinet, but instead we’re on the verge of crashing out before the last 16. Hopefully this has just been a freakish blip and they’ll be back to normal soon.”

Hudson’s dad Tom said: “I envy Josh’s innocence in a way. He can still hear the words ‘penalty shoot-out’ and not start shitting himself.”