Forth Bridge pissed

THE Forth Road Bridge has been closed after engineers discovered it was well over the safe alcohol limit, it has emerged.

The bridge will remain closed until after Hogmanay in an attempt to get all the booze out of the 8,000ft long bridge’s system.

Engineer Bill McKay said: “We’d noticed it visibly swaying, but we thought that was because of high winds.

“Turns out it’s been beginning the day with Buckfast, necking Tennent’s Super the minute the commuters are gone and onto the single malts by mid-afternoon.

“It’s 51 years old, from Glasgow, deteriorating physically and beginning to wonder if all those years helping people get to Fife were really worthwhile.

“It’d be more surprising if it wasn’t an alcoholic.”

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Friday afternoon work to be replaced with art classes and PE

ALL work done on Friday afternoon is to be replaced by an art class or physical exercise.

Accepting the utter futility of Friday afternoons, companies across the country will offer pottery and watercolour lessons and a chaotic game of football in the car park.

Accounts assistant Emma Bradford said: “I usually spend Friday afternoon avoiding any work that might risk me having to stay later than five o’clock.

“But now that I’m going to be doing a mosaic of the sunset, I don’t mind sticking around until it’s finished.”

Company director Martin Bishop added: “Everyone hates working here, but I can’t let them go home early because that would make me less of a man. So, fuck it, we’ll turn off all the computers.

“Those who don’t want to play 30-a-side football can go to the staff room and paint Brian, the caretaker, in a life art class.

“He is quite spectacular.”