AS you brace yourself for another heatwave, remember you can use it as an excuse to get out of annoying tasks. Such as these time-wasting chores:
Genital hygiene
Keeping a tidy shop downstairs is basic behaviour in normal weather. During a heatwave though you’re allowed to forego a deep clean of your flaps and orifices in the shower. There’s simply no point. Within minutes they’ll be all sweaty again, so it’s not like your partner will want to interact with them anyway. A cursory rinse should prevent hideous skin diseases.
Clothes-wearing
Even the lightest of garments risks making you overheat. Besides, it’s too hot for your clammy hands to fasten complicated buttons and zips. If you work from home you can simply roll out of your sweat-stained bed and slither over to your computer naked. If you work in an office, a conveniently placed plant pot should allow you to work in the nude. Don’t bother consulting HR first, they’ll appreciate you not bothering them with trivia.
Sweat regulation
Antiperspirants weren’t made for temperatures of this magnitude. Even the quantities of Lynx applied by teenage boys won’t stop the torrents of sweat pouring off your body. Don’t bother trying to hold back the tide like King Canute – remember that sweat is a natural cooling mechanism, and nothing natural is ever bad. Except tornadoes, shark attacks, thousands of sadistic diseases and in fact virtually everything in nature except rainwater and a few plants.
Employment obligations
Heatwaves put things into perspective, such as how utterly f**king pointless your job is. Who cares if it puts a roof over your head when the planet is hurtling towards its fiery endgame? Everyone’s just idly pushing their mouse around until hometime anyway, so don’t feel bad if you’re running out the clock. It’s not like you’re paid danger money for the serious risks of being a bit clammy.
Anything beyond groaning in the shade
Paying your electricity bill, dropping the kids at school, doing the big shop – these can all f**k off until temperatures drop back down to the mid twenties. The only thing you can reasonably be expected to do in this weather is stagger to some shade, collapse to the floor and let out a little whimper. Even trudging to the toilet is asking too much.
