SIGNED up to Virgin Media? Pettily decided to leave, just because your broadband only works one day in three? It’s easy to do. Just follow these six hundred steps: 

Call Virgin Media, x100

Then wait. Then call again, because they hung up. Then wait. Then call again. Repeat around 50 times, then press 2 to upgrade your package and speak to a person immediately. Tell them you want to cancel. They will place you on hold and hang up. Repeat until accidentally transferred to the cancellation department.

Say you would like to cancel, x150

By the second syllable of cancel, the person you are talking to will have hung up. Repeat step one as many times as necessary. Eventually you will reach an operator bored enough of hanging up to hear your whole cancellation story. They will listen sympathetically then transfer you to the real cancellation team, who will hang up.

Repeat steps one and two, x232

Back at the beginning of your cancellation odyssey, you must go through the same actions again. You have now been on hold for a year and know George Ezra’s Anyone For You better than he does. Continue trying until, due to an operator on his first day who speaks no English and has fat fingers, you are once again transferred to the cancellation team.

Overcome incredulity, x78

The cancellation department, despite their name, cannot believe anyone would want to cancel Virgin Media. With a tone of wide-eyed consternation, they go through its benefits, its perks, its excellent customer service. ‘Are you sure by cancel, you don’t mean upgrade?’ they ask, then put you on hold while you think about it. Then hang up.

Reaffirm your outlandish commitment to cancellation, x39

Repeat all the previous steps for as many days as necessary. Again, overcome arguments for not cancelling presented with all the fervour of a Samaritans operator trying to talk you out of ending it all. After a short opportunity to rethink, while on hold, and a suitable period of mourning, while on hold, you are permitted to cancel your Virgin Media account.

Freedom, x1

After paying your cancellation fee and three months’ notice your account closes, though your direct debits will continue for another six to nine months as standard. You are now free to change provider. In 11 months a call which you do not answer will be taken as full assent to rejoin Virgin Media on their top package for a minimum of two years.