What exactly is the establishment? A Reform guide

STRUGGLING to tell the difference between a multi-millionaire former London trader-cum-MP and the establishment? Know your enemy with this guide: 

Educated university types

Graduates think they’re so clever with their higher education and hard-won qualifications. Brainwashed by academia into believing nonsense like ‘slavery was bad’ and ‘immigration benefits the economy’. Then get jobs as civil servants earning fat pensions on taxpayers’s money. Learning should stop before you get critical reading skills, for our sake.

Media outlets unsympathetic to us

Thankfully and justly not most of them, but institutions like the BBC, ITV and Sky News are on our hit list and you can’t even trust the radical freethinkers over at The Times these days. The only news sources that are anti-establishment are GB News and and YouTube channels that post AI videos of wonderful 1950s Britain, when policemen were postboxes.

London

Home to Westminster, making it the nerve centre of the establishment. But everything else in London is under its thrall. The Tube? Nothing more than a paedophile trafficking network. Overpriced Brixton street food? An establishment conspiracy to keep the working man down. Pigeons? Spies for our puppet masters.

The political system we’re part of

To the untrained eye, playing the establishment’s game to become part of the establishment might look like a very establishment thing to do. But you’re forgetting that if we rule the establishment it will no longer be the establishment. If it goes wrong, we’ll blame some other nebulous power for our failings like we did with Brexit.

Count Binface

The metal face of the establishment, this so-called joke candidate is actually a liberal sleeper agent, planted in 2019 because they knew that seven years later Nigel Farage would be forced to resign by his own towering hubris and it would be humiliating to make him run against a bin. They used exactly the same tactic on Pitt the Younger.

Anyone who calls out our bullshit

So what if our leader received a small gift? What he does in the privacy of his own bank account is his business, apart from the headlines he demanded for his debanking scandal. If you’re so much as grumbling about this non-event down the pub then you’re part of the secret elite that’s ruining this country. Yes, even if you’re shuffling along in a minimum wage job.

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We knew the Daily Mail could never do anything morally questionable, says public

BRITAIN is relieved to have its absolute faith in the Daily Mail’s moral rectitude vindicated by the courts. 

Yesterday’s High Court victory against an assortment of rapscallions, ne’er-do-wells and purveyors of scuttlebutt has affirmed the UK’s belief that the Mail is the fount of all that is good and right in this world and we are privileged to receive its wisdom.

Susan Traherne of Lewes said: “I’m deeply ashamed of myself, but for a moment I felt doubt.

“I doubted that the Mail had all its stories from legitimate sources. I fell for the lies of low-lives like the Duke of Sussex, Sir Simon Hughes and Baroness Doreen Lawrence. I believed the testimony of a private investigator who later confessed he made it up for a laugh.

“How wrong I was. I now realise, following this wise verdict, the Mail is, and has always been, the moral arbiter of the nation and could never do anything wrong. I owe it an apology. The whole of Britain owes it an apology.”

Former Mail editor Paul Dacre said: “With this judgement, the Daily Mail officially becomes the country’s conscience. If you try to hide any aspect of your life from us that’s evidence of your guilt. Your struggle is finished. You love the Daily Mail.”

Prince Harry said: “I don’t think I’m coming to Britain again.”