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Frail 93-year-old encouraged to 'make the most of the heatwave'

A GREAT-GRANDMOTHER is being coaxed by her family to enjoy the wonderful sunshine of the next few days while it, and she, lasts. 

Margaret Gerving of Royal Tunbridge Wells, who lives alone in a £900k four-bedroom house, has been told by granddaughter Rachel to ‘get out there and catch some rays’ because ‘after all, life is for the living’.

35-year-old mother-of-two and renter Rachel said: “I just hate to think of granny cooped up all alone in that big old house, with original cornicing and bay windows, when she could be outside.

“Although she made a great recovery from that hip fracture last month, her bone density is a real concern for me and there’s no better way to boost that vitamin D than sunlight. She should spend the day out there, unconcerned about sunstroke or dizziness.

“She worries about the neighbours seeing her sunbathing but there’s no chance, not through the orchard and ample wisteria cover round the back which would be a perfect spot for a wood-fired pizza oven. Nobody would see her for days.

“It just breaks my heart to think of granny not enjoying the sundeck on such a lovely day in such a great catchment area. While she can.”

Margaret Gerving said: “I shall be staying indoors with all the curtains and windows closed. Not because it’s good heatwave advice, but because I’m watching Bargain Hunt.”

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I have bravely put my future in the hands of twats who love me. By Nigel Farage

COULD there be anything more heroic than seeking re-election in a constituency where I will almost certainly win? No, and that is why all criticism of me must stop.

I will be judged by the British public, or rather the 96.1 per cent white, 64 per cent below the poverty line, 30 per cent aged over 65 demographic of Clacton. And frankly I like those odds.

Yes, I was an unassailable 8,000 votes ahead of the runner-up at the last election, but anything could happen. Especially as I am standing with no opponents which only makes my valour more stark.

I have been forced to act by the liberal establishment, who have been mercilessly persecuting me by saying I have to declare donations in accordance with ‘the rules’. Are other MPs subjected to this sort of cruel and vindictive witch hunt? No. Don’t Google that.

The truth is I never see a penny of donations because it is all spent immediately on personal security. Sadly my quest to free Britain from the EU has made me many enemies. Can you imagine what it’s like living in fear of Led By Donkeys mocking you?

But perhaps the worst aspect of the whole thing is that it’s over a silly little £5 million donation from a cryptocurrency billionaire. Not a bribe but simply a gift for my tireless Brexit campaigning given to me a decade after the event, as gifts often are.

So I’m fighting back. After this election, when an interviewer asks me about donations I will simply shout: ‘THE LIBERAL ESTABLISHMENT WON’T ACCEPT MY MANDATE FROM THE BRITISH PEOPLE!’ Perhaps as many as 20 times in one interview.

I know the good people of Clacton-on-Sea will not be told what to do by the establishment and will re-elect me without hesitation. All I can say to those fair-minded patriots is thank you, and have you considered investing in gold and crypto?

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