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By-election will be chance to visit Clacton, says Farage

NIGEL Farage has resigned to fight the establishment in a by-election, adding that campaigning will also allow him to visit Clacton for the first time since 2024. 

The Reform leader has quit his position to fight a ‘people vs the establishment’ by-election, and said if anyone has an address for the people of Clacton he would be grateful for the chance to reconnect.

He continued: “Or my own address, come to that. I know I’ve got a place there somewhere but it’s got a bit lost in the old portfolio.

“I haven’t been able to hold a constituency surgery there for the last two years for security reasons. I was given £5m which I’m claiming I’m spending on security? Yeah, but that wouldn’t be enough for Clacton. It’s dog-rough.

“Anyway yes, looking forward to touching base with the residents, shaking hands, drinking pints in pubs, telling their daytime drinkers I could be earning real big money in the United States which I’m sure they’ll be able to empathise with.

“It’s by the sea, isn’t it? Hopefully we’ll be able to see some of those small boats I talk so much about. We definitely won’t see any of my crypto billionaire pals I don’t like to talk about, they wouldn’t be seen dead in the place.”

Clacton resident Wayne Hayes said: “Brilliant bloke, Farage. Saviour of this country. Next prime minister. Will I vote? Nah, I don’t bother with by-elections.”

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Nobody in office interested in details of boss's charity challenge

THE boss of a company has informed staff of his intention to do an endurance challenge and received no follow-up questions from anyone.

When chief operating officer Nathan Muir, aged 49, asked for a moment of his staff’s time he expected cheers, awe and promises of vast sums but instead got carefully blank faces and barely perceptible nods.

He said: “I’d been building up to the moment I announced I was doing the Swansea Bay Ironman Triathlon next year, so convened a special lunchtime meeting.

“But the big reveal got me nothing. I can’t understand why. It wasn’t from any lack of enthusiasm on my part, or the quality of the PowerPoint and spiral-bound brochures.

“I outlined the course: a mile swim, then biking out through Mumbles into the hills of the Gower peninsula, then a final 13.1k loop along the bay. I invited them along to spectate, but they were staring at their shoes and checking their phones. This is 70.2 kilometres! It is a big deal!”

Team leader Oliver O’Connor said: “So that’s a year of training, boring on about his hydration levels and telling the girls to prod his calves, frequent absences we’ll have to cover and he’s asking us to pay him £50 each.

“Sorry, it’s for charity. Though he didn’t mention which one, presumably because that’s beside the f**king point.”

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