HEY! American here, just heard of soccerball, willing to fix it. This is how to change the rules to make it a better sport where great countries win:
No offside
It’s like, freakin’ what? The guy scored! He scored a goal with the ball and you’re saying it’s against the rules because of some complete other guy way over there? Because he wasn’t equidistant to the prime meridian or whatever? No way man, that was a goal. Lose that rule and thank us for it.
No red cards
You’re dismissing a guy who’s actual box office? Who’s drawing in paying customers who bought tickets to see him? And not just for that game but the game after? You know how many class action suits that’s leaving you open to? That is leaving money on the table for nothing but some bitch-ass rule and sir, that is not American.
No free kicks
This is a game for men, dammit, not dainty porcelain dolls behind glass in a museum. Your guy breaks a leg? He gets paid, there’s another guy, use your draft pick on him. None of this ‘oh, he’s injured, now you get a turn’ bullshit. He might be faking. He’s foreign.
More goals
Seriously, 90 minutes passes and I haven’t seen one goal? And you call that entertainment? Every quarter – your game has quarters now like a real one, deal with it – there isn’t a goal, another ball gets put on the pitch. You think once you get four balls out there, Ronaldo isn’t going to score a hat-rack and break records? Exactly.
Penalty shootouts every game
In basketball, objectively the second-greatest sport, it goes right to the final buzzer. Any team can win. Soccer needs that energy, so from now on every game ends in penalties. Even if you’re three goals up, like Belgium unfairly were last night, then penalties can turn all that over in an instant. Keeps audiences watching so put commercials in between.
Make it gayer
Weren’t expecting that, huh? Already thought your sport was as gay as it could possibly be? But trust me, put the players in shoulder pads, shiny helmets, tight spandex pants and begin every play with close-ups of their tight ends, and soon it’ll be so uncomfortably gay you’ll need cheerleaders to reassure the fans. Which can be monetised separately.
