Gerbil only goes and f**king eats other gerbil

A BELOVED pet gerbil has only gone and f**king eaten his mate.

The gerbils, known as Ant and Dec, were owned by 12-year-old Nikki Hollis who found Dec eating Ant this morning which resulted in her screaming for about four hours straight.

Hollis’s father Martin said: “We’ve never had gerbils before so how were we supposed to know they do this kind of thing?

“We’d got them a small plastic wheel and everything, which should be been more than enough to keep any cage-confined mammal mentally stable.”

He added: “We were going to get Nikki a dog instead of the gerbils but we thought it would have ended up being quite expensive.

“We now realise it’s going to cost a lot more paying for her years of therapy.”

However gerbil Dec said: “We were having some banter and the next thing I knew I was eating him.

“I was just being ‘in the moment’.”

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Brexit definitely going to happen, says Michael Fish

FORMER TV weatherman Michael Fish has confirmed that Brexit is going well and will definitely happen.

Fish made the comments in response to a phone call from a lady in Wales who claimed it was all a right shambles and Britain would never leave the EU.

He said: “There’s no two ways about it. Re-mortgage the house and bet all the money on it. Brexit. Going. To. Happen.

“I’d stake my reputation as a man who knows when things definitely will or won’t happen on it.”

As well as confirming that Brexit will be a success, Fish added that Everton manager Ronald Koeman won’t be sacked before Christmas, Boris Johnson won’t say anything ignorant ever again and Ghost in the Shell is a good film.