Glitter from Glastonbury getting absolutely f**king everywhere

EVERYTHING in the UK now has some glitter on it because of Glastonbury, it has been confirmed.

Scientists have found the twinkly substance on every single person and object in the UK whether they have attended the festival or not, including hermits, convicts and an empty crisp packet found at the top of Ben Nevis.

New mother Emma Bradford said: “My baby had been in the outside world for less than four minutes when I noticed a speck of glitter in the folds of her neck. How did it get there?

“Had the midwife recently returned from this mental glittery gurnfest in a field and transferred it during the birth?

“Or is my womb actually full of the stuff and it looks like a tent that’s been abandoned after an MDMA-fuelled weekend in Somerset? I suspect the latter.”

Disease expert Dr Helen Archer said: “Glitter is a modern day scourge akin to the Black Death, impossible to control with conventional methods but transferred from person to person with terrifying ease.

“Sorry, there’s a bit on your chin there. Just there.”