Third bottle of wine 'always a bad idea for wide variety of reasons'

THE opening of a third bottle of wine is always the point at which everything goes horribly wrong, research has found. 

Extensive studies have found that while one bottle is not enough and it seems a shame to stop at two, three is definitely too many.

Dr Helen Archer said: “We have definitively linked the choice to open a third bottle of wine with hangovers, vomiting, texting the really bad ex and the telling of home truths to formerly close friends.

“By uncorking that third bottle, even if it is a sunny evening and everyone is having a wonderful time, we uncork a nightmare of jealousy, recrimination, execrable singing and ultimately complete societal breakdown.

“Unfortunately we have discovered that the key effect of the second bottle is to cause drinkers to crave a third one, so there’s no solution just yet.”

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Man quits exercise for good after realising no-one else gives a shit

A MAN has stopped working out after realising no-one gives a tuppenny toss about how long he spends at the gym.

Nathan Muir, from Bristol, made sure his Facebook friends knew when he ‘checked in’ to Virgin Active, but 24 hours later it became clear that absolutely no-one cared in the slightest.

He said: “It’s very strange because I even included hashtags of all the different squats I had been doing.

“And yet, complete silence.”

He added: “And when I went to the pub and told my fiends about my exercise regime, they all told me to ‘shut the fuck up, right now’ and then called me a ‘dreary ponce’.

“There’s really no point in continuing unless someone somewhere is impressed. Instead I shall take up sailing and tell all my Facebook friends about my weekend sailing adventures.

“People will think that’s good.”