Brexiter unable to find any street parties

A COMMITTED Brexiter has yet to find a street party celebrating Britain’s very own independence day. 

Joe Turner, from Stoke-on-Trent, who still asks strangers in pubs to explain to him why Nigel Farage is not prime minister, expected to open his front door and see trestle tables being set up but instead found it eerily quiet.

He said: “No bunting, no flags, no plates of sausage rolls. Nothing. It’s like the Diamond Jubilee all over again.

“I was already disappointed when I called the council and found there weren’t any Spitfire flypasts planned, apparently because of ‘lack of budget’ – Marxists – but I had faith in a spontaneous uprising of joy.

“This isn’t natural. I know everyone decent in the country is jubilant about Brexit from dawn until dusk, so there must be some kind of Remoaner Project Fear police keeping them inside.

“I’ll just drink a load of lager and stand in the street feeling really proud.”

Meanwhile, neighbour Martin Bishop said: “None of the churches are holding memorial services even though it’s the anniversary of the great disaster. I’m bereft.”

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Cocktails 'a load of stupid bullshit', confirm cocktail bar staff

COCKTAILS are nothing more than overpriced bullshit for idiots, cocktail bar staff have confirmed.

Despite being pointless, cocktails have developed into a multi-billion pound industry that relies on people pretending they only drink things for the taste.

Now bar staff have revealed they despise and pity anyone who orders cocktails while having huge respect for decent people who just order a pint or a hefty glass of wine.

Barman Tom Booker said: “If you order anything that involves shaking ice about you’re an idiot and you;re wasting my time.

“I should stress, of course, that I am just a cocktail barman rather than a ‘mixologist’. Those guys really believe that cocktails aren’t bullshit. They’re like the Mormons of the bar trade.”

Cocktail fan Nikki Hollis said: “I try new recipes at home all the time. It’s basically a mix of fruit juices and a shitload of rum. I’m fancy.”

Meanwhile, a pub in Stevenage has banned all cocktails in favour of a bucket filled with leftover spirits, occasionally topped up with apple juice and ice that people can dip a glass into for a fiver.