Friday, 3rd July 2020

Greta Thunberg to open ice cream van where all the ice creams have already melted

ENVIRONMENTAL campaigner Greta Thunberg is to spend summer touring Europe in an ice cream van ladling warm cream into your cupped hands for £7.

Instead of announcing its presence with the usual sound of a tinkling tune like ‘The Teddy Bear’s Picnic’, Thunberg’s van will blare out Wagner’s ‘The Ride of the Valkyries’ with an uncomfortable amount of bass.

Thunberg said: “Watching a blob of melting ice cream running through your fingers will make you feel as disappointed and angry as you should be feeling about the melting of the polar ice caps.

“You can also have sprinkles, which are made from crushed up coral reefs that have been ravaged by bleaching. They do not taste good, but neither does a tampon when it is being choked on by a sea turtle.

“Yes, the ice cream is ridiculously expensive. But the toll we place on future generations by abusing the planet is far greater than any price I charge here.

“Also, I’m saving up for another big, fancy boat ride around the world.”