Six incredibly basic things you've forgotten how to do during lockdown

AS restrictions are lifted, the terrifying prospect of returning to normal gets ever more real. Here are some simple things you’ve probably forgotten how to do forever.

Midweek sobriety

Without lockdown to blame, two bottles of wine on Monday evening is less ‘taking the edge off’ and more ‘trip to the Priory’. Start getting back to normality by picking one day a week when you drink less than 10 units. Not Wednesday-to-Sunday though, obviously.

Putting on pants

You may have dispensed with pants, favouring pyjamas and dressing gowns. However pants are there for a reason. Practise wearing them for a few minutes a day and work your way up.

Your job

You’ve either been doing nothing or logging on halfheartedly and claiming you’re more productive when you’re not in the office. But your internet history and massive Netflix ‘continue watching’ list tell a different story. Operating a stapler is going to be hideously complicated for someone who can’t even cut their toenails now.


Ironing is rubbish but you need to start doing it again. Get the iron off the shelf, blow out 12 weeks of crusty limescale and release its full potential. Try to see it as an inspirational metaphor – you are the iron.

Not looking at porn in your office

Definitely do not slip back into lockdown habits. Your employer may have given you an internet connection but masturbating in the office is still illegal. Prepare for your return as follows: whenever you’re tempted to look at a sexy site, start a really boring spreadsheet instead. 

Thinking about the future 

Get back into this positive frame of mind by imagining yourself in 2024, by which time you’ll have lost two stone, taken up indoor climbing and quit your hateful job. Since you’re in fantasy land already you may as well chuck in being a millionaire and marrying a model.

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Man sacked from last nine jobs applies to become Tory MP

A MAN who has been fired nine times in a row for incompetence and dodgy dealings is applying to be a Conservative MP.

Martin Bishop feels he needs a job he cannot be sacked from, after being dismissed from roles including shelf-stacker, children’s party clown, data inputter and handing out pizza flyers.

Bishop said: “If I had to admit to two small flaws, they are that I am absolutely useless and venal beyond belief. But now I feel it could work in my favour.

“All my previous jobs have ended badly, not least my cushy number as a bingo caller where I tried to take bungs to make the players’ numbers come up. 

“Then there was my short stint as a postman where I didn’t see any need to actually deliver the letters and just dumped them in a river.

“If I become an MP in a safe Tory seat like Hampshire North, I can’t see anyone sacking me as long as I keeping saying some nonsense like ‘Let’s get Boris’s bloomin’ brilliant Brexit done’.” 

A Conservative party spokesman said: “Mr Bishop sounds ideal. We’ll be sending him our approved list of slogans and half-truths to repeat on the news immediately.”