Friday, 3rd July 2020

Six incredibly basic things you've forgotten how to do during lockdown

AS restrictions are lifted, the terrifying prospect of returning to normal gets ever more real. Here are some simple things you’ve probably forgotten how to do forever.

Midweek sobriety

Without lockdown to blame, two bottles of wine on Monday evening is less ‘taking the edge off’ and more ‘trip to the Priory’. Start getting back to normality by picking one day a week when you drink less than 10 units. Not Wednesday-to-Sunday though, obviously.

Putting on pants

You may have dispensed with pants, favouring pyjamas and dressing gowns. However pants are there for a reason. Practise wearing them for a few minutes a day and work your way up.

Your job

You’ve either been doing nothing or logging on halfheartedly and claiming you’re more productive when you’re not in the office. But your internet history and massive Netflix ‘continue watching’ list tell a different story. Operating a stapler is going to be hideously complicated for someone who can’t even cut their toenails now.

Ironing

Ironing is rubbish but you need to start doing it again. Get the iron off the shelf, blow out 12 weeks of crusty limescale and release its full potential. Try to see it as an inspirational metaphor – you are the iron.

Not looking at porn in your office

Definitely do not slip back into lockdown habits. Your employer may have given you an internet connection but masturbating in the office is still illegal. Prepare for your return as follows: whenever you’re tempted to look at a sexy site, start a really boring spreadsheet instead. 

Thinking about the future 

Get back into this positive frame of mind by imagining yourself in 2024, by which time you’ll have lost two stone, taken up indoor climbing and quit your hateful job. Since you’re in fantasy land already you may as well chuck in being a millionaire and marrying a model.