Guardian reader concerned about Santa's carbon footprint

A GUARDIAN reader is deeply troubled by the environmental impact of Santa’s annual round-the-world trips.

Having drained all the fun out of everything else, liberal news consumer Julian Cook has turned his critical eye to the carbon footprint of Santa’s intercontinental sleigh flights.

He said: “A single flight abroad is enough to make Greta cry. Jetting off to visit every child on the planet in a single night is essentially a war crime against the planet.

“Even if he’s vegan, which I strongly doubt, there’s no way Santa’s behaviour is sustainable. Factor in the animal labour of all those reindeer and it’s amazing he hasn’t been cancelled yet.

“To make things worse, he’s dropping single-use plastic tat down fossil fuel burner pipes. Why aren’t Just Stop Oil glueing themselves onto the roads to his workshop or throwing soup over grottos?

“It’s minorities like black people, people on benefits and lesbians I feel most sorry for. As the Guardian always reminds me, they’re more severely impacted by this than me.”

Cook’s son Martin said: “I haven’t got the heart to tell daddy he is in fact Father Christmas. I don’t think he’s mature enough for his illusion of self-righteousness to be shattered just yet.”

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48-year-old stops ageing entirely by pursuing women in their 20s

A MAN who would otherwise be quite old has stopped the ageing process in its tracks by only pursuing much younger women.

Stephen Malley, 48, was concerned about ageing and eventually dying until he located a fountain of youth in the form of women who have no memories of the 1990s.

Malley explained: “I’ve never felt younger. People say things like ‘she’s young enough to be your daughter’ but that’s the whole point, I need to feed off her abundant life force.

“Sure, I’ve got more in common with women my own age, like knowing where we were on 9/11, but who wants to talk about that? Also their sagging, withered faces remind me of myself. That and the unforgiving march of time that will devour us all.

“In contrast my current partner Lucy is gorgeous, pert, and keeps me young with words like ‘rizz’ and references to people like Charli D’Amelio. Constantly having to Google what she’s talking about keeps my brain alert.

“Like a vampire I’ll sap her youth and if she starts talking about having children I’ll have to find a younger model. Nothing personal, Luce, it’s just that kids would drain all the extra life energy I’ve stored up.”

Malley’s partner Lucy Parry said: “Sure he’s got wrinkles on his eyes like my granddad, but at least I know Stephen won’t be out shagging other girls because his bedtime is 9pm. Also, he pays for all my stuff.

“I don’t mind the vampire bit because vampires are cool. And to be honest I did suck his current account dry yesterday on a shopping trip.”