Hen party's a-brewin'

A STOICAL man gazing at the clouds has grimly warned that a hen party is approaching.

Sitting in his rocking chair, old timer Norman Steele has predicted that dozens of drunken women will soon be heading in his direction so everyone should hunker down before it strikes.

Steele, who has not been the same since the hen do of 2012, said: “They’re doing pre-drinks in an Airbnb right now, but they’re a-comin’. They’re a-comin’.

“If you listen closely, you can hear their maniacal cackling on the wind. Within the hour they’ll start blaring Single Ladies and Wannabe, and that’s when the nightmare truly begins.

“First you’ll see their penis-shaped deely boppers on the horizon as they stagger from one cocktail bar to the other. Then they’ll rip through the streets in a flurry of personalised sashes, wreaking havoc on traffic and pedestrians alike. Nobody will be safe.

“You can only tell the strength of a hen party by the damage it leaves in its wake, but this one feels like a biggie. Come the morning, expect to see hundreds of shattered pitchers and the bodies of broken waiting staff littering the pavement.

“I’m off to hide in my hen party cellar, and I suggest you do the same. May God have mercy on us all.”

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Which untried, out-of-position teenager do you think will solve England's problems?

ENGLAND fans are deciding which barely-capped players to assign to positions they have never played in before to win the next game six-nil.

From Barrow-in-Furness to Brighton, fans are picking squad members almost at random, popping them into roles they are entirely unfamiliar with, sitting back and waiting for the goals to roll in.

Steve Malley of Bournemouth said: “Kobbie Mainoo in central defence? Can’t see why not.

“He’ll link up nicely with Wharton on the left wing, because he’s hardly played for the senior team either and certainly not in a high-pressure knockout game so they’ll have something in common.

“Throw Konsa in the midfield, Alexander-Arnold up front, Bellingham as left-back and Gordon in a free-roaming role literally wherever he wants.

“If the last few years of team solidity – a core of experienced players playing the same positions they play for their clubs – show us anything, it’s that it doesn’t win you shit, so let’s go wild like Graham motherf**king Taylor’s up in this bitch.”

Football writer Helen Archer said: “No, Guéhi as a number ten, Saka at the back, Cole Palmer as lone midfielder stroke centre-back and Bellingham in goal.

“And if that doesn’t work it’s Southgate’s fault.”