Hoity-toity north-west lords it over rest of Britain with fancy hosepipe ban

SMUG homeowners in Cheshire and Lancashire are showing off to the rest of the UK about their highly exclusive hosepipe ban.

A United Utilities hosepipe ban in the north-west has left affluent south-easteners ashamed of their abundant, cheap water and verdant herbaceous borders. 

Susan Traherne of Wilmslow said: “It must be easy for them down there in Kent. Just turn on the tap and away the sprinkler goes. So common. 

“I look out at my wilting rhododendrons, my yellowing Lavatera, the roses which barely bloom before their petals fall, and the only comfort I can find is how superior I am than them. 

“If I want my Siberian irises to flower, then I have to water them with Evian. I suppose they’re still using standard tap. How… appropriate.” 

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistresss of Guildford, said: “Damn it all. First London’s exposed as a big shithole and now this.”  

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Elon Musk flounces off to Mars in a huff

ELON Musk has confirmed plans to go off to Mars in a strop.

The billionaire has had a difficult few days after his Thai cave rescue PR stunt morphed into calling a diver a “pedo”.

In a statement, Musk explained: “I am going to Mars and you can’t come. You are all murderers and kiddie fiddlers anyway.

When I get there, I’m going to put up a sign that says ‘Elon only’ so don’t even think about trying to visit. You’re not allowed.”

The 47-year-old tech whizz added that he is rubber and everyone else is glue, so he doesn’t care what people are saying about him anyway.

He added: “In my Mars den there will just be two cute robots called Bleepy and Whizzbot, they will be my best friends. We will collect rocks and have adventures.

“Also I am doing a new science thing to throw a cow into the sun with a very big catapult, because I am clever.”