Second referendum to include 'Are you an idiot?'

ANOTHER vote on leaving the EU should include questions designed to weed out total idiots, it has been claimed.

The Institute for Studies has been investigating how to prevent the vote being swayed by people who live in a Murdoch-fuelled fantasy world and have zero common sense, like last time.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The obvious question is ‘Are you an idiot?’ but most idiots think they’re geniuses so they’ll say ‘no’ even if they’re too thick to understand the concept of lying.

“It’s better to ask things like ‘Are you sick of the EU trying to destroy the British banana industry?’ or ‘Is it time the EU did something about all the potholes in the roads?’.

“Alternatively there could be very basic tests of idiocy, such as ‘Does Lord of the Rings depict an actual period of British history?’ or ‘Do you regularly eat raw chicken?’.

“If people answer ‘yes’ their ballot paper can go straight in the bin. It’s not very democratic but then neither is lying about 99.9 per cent of things to do with the EU.”

Leave voter Roy Hobbs said: “It’s typical of Remainers to call Leave voters idiots, but I voted for totally valid reasons like not wanting to be conscripted into the EU army. I’m too old to become a paratrooper at 63.”

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Homeworker wakes up two hours early to switch on bastard laptop

A HOMEWORKER is to get up at 6am to switch on her fucking laptop so it will be ready to use by about half-eight.

Sarah McCallum confirmed this would be a more proactive use of her time instead of waking up at 8am and remembering that her laptop – like all the laptops she has ever owned – is a piece of shit.

She said: “As long as I can wake up at six, press the button which causes the laptop to make a loud, dramatic chime and just get the whole, tortuous fucking process under way, then I can go back to bed for a bit.

“Then when I finally get up, have a shower, get dressed and have some breakfast it will still be updating some fucking thing or another, but it will actually be doing something.

“Then I can quickly check my inbox and read the news before I have to reboot the fucker and the whole process begins again.

“Once it has restarted I’ll look for a job that involves working outdoors with my hands, instead of being hunched over this useless bastard, sending emails about marketing to some twats.”