IF your local park looks like shit, you’re currently experiencing a drought. Make sure to take these necessary precautions.
Hold shorter wet T-shirt competitions
Nobody’s saying you have to scrap them altogether. That would be an attack on your human rights. Hosing down giggling women in sheer crop tops and picking a winner doesn’t have to last an entire afternoon though. Be responsible and keep your perv contests to a tight 90 minutes. And ladies, the same goes for your soapy bikini car wash businesses.
Stop eating hot chillies
On the face of it, this doesn’t make any sense. Stuffing your face with a hot meal will make you sweat, which in turn cools your body down, surely? However the latest scientific research suggests that eating hot food during hot weather may be connected to making you feel hot. Play it safe by going hungry instead.
Shut down a data centre
Every stupid question you put to ChatGPT costs the equivalent of eight Niagara Falls. This isn’t your fault for using bullshit AI though. Blame lies with the thrumming data centres that guzzle up all the water that companies are trying to pump shit into. Creep inside one, scout around and turn off the massive valve labelled ‘SLOP’.
Share one bath with the rest of your street
Sharing four inches of bathwater with your family isn’t going far enough. During a drought, you should open up your home and invite the whole street round for a dip. Not at once, of course, that would be insane. And don’t let the black, tar-like water go to waste once the last neighbour’s had a scrub. Hold your nose and knock it back.
Have a dust fight
It’s important to keep your spirits up when you’re living in a parched wasteland. Making a ‘dust man’ or laying on the ground to make dust angels are popular options, but nothing beats challenging local kids to a dust fight. Change into some clothes you don’t mind getting dirty, fill up some dust balloons, and soon enough the climate crisis won’t feel so scary.
