Hot

TOO hot, baking scorching hot-hot-hot stuffy boiling night and day, reports indicate.

Like holiday but taking the piss. Sweltering. No air-con buffet or pint in annual leave swimming pool. Burning and yet emails. Teletubby sunshine prick.

On-fire witness Wayne Hayes said: “Commute bus. Hot on bus. Crawling oven hell ride. Plastic seat third degree burn.

“Sweat. Drippy arms, squelch face, soggy bottom. Sopping, comfy impossible. Mattress dampness warm watery wet. Need something over you though don’t you.

“Furthermore, muggy. Sticky! Breathless clammy close, fan useless piece of shit blows hot air around. Air-con? Not here.

“Alternatively, ice cream. Cold cold numb. Whole head in freezer. Nap on Calippo. Elsa from Frozen inside teeth. Sweet lovely headache.

“Cloud rain next? Nasty f**k off. Glorious.”

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Six Hollywood stars and the shit songs they've inflicted on us

WHEN you’ve reached a certain level of Hollywood fame, you can do whatever you want. Especially if it’s churn out shit music and have it professionally released: 

Johnny Depp – This is a Song for Miss Hedy Lamarr

People enjoy music they can relate to. And what could be more relatable than a 59-year-old cokehead writing a navel-gazing ballad about his acrimonious divorce, cloaked under fake concern for a former star? With septugenarian Jeff Beck to share the blame?

Jeremy Renner – Stereo Love

Extremely successful actor who you’ll recognise while saying, ‘Oh yeah, what’s his name again?’ Though his face is less forgettable than this shite ballad. The video, which as befits a movie star wanting attention for his music is largely of an old record player, leaves you convinced that Renner would like to f**k vinyl.

Steven Seagal – Don’t You Cry

Before Seagal, the concept of straight-to-video didn’t exist. After him? When you need an action star who can’t act? You call Seagal. When you need a prick with a ponytail to defend Putin? You call Seagal. When you want a harrowingly bad blues album called Songs From The Crystal Cave? You call Seagal.

Macauley Culkin – Take A Bite of the Wild Slice

It’s not easy being a child star. You spend the rest of your life aimless and rich, which is why the man who will forever be remembered as an eight-year-old formed a band called The Pizza Underground doing Velvet Underground songs with lyrics about pizza. Fun for him. Booed off stage in Nottingham.

Scarlett Johansson – Song For Jo

Recording an album of Tom Waits covers and being so hot it gets actually released is a perk of fame. Including a song that you and your mate have recorded, which is dedicated to you, on an album full of songs by a Hall of Fame songwriter? Rampant egotism that only the world-class superhot could get away with.

William Shatner – his entire recorded output

Shatnet’s been so balls-deep in boredom and irony for decades now that it remains a mystery whether his spoken-word versions of popular songs are a grand prank or serious. Either way, actually listening to any of it is an utterly brutal experience.