SUMMER is here, shoes are unwearably hot and you’re searching for other options. Treat your repugnant feet to these:
Willing to lacerate the very feet you walk upon? Slip on a pair of lovely strappy sandals. Every step is a double-edged blister generator and your toes will soon be as red as your nail varnish. For extra discomfort, simply add a heel.
Your feet will thank you for your comfy choice, as will your fungal infections which will thrive in the sweaty microclimate you’re creating. To more swiftly turn them into a bioweapon omit socks; within a fortnight the smell will be so bad you’ll have to keep them in the garden at night.
Like to clippity-clop down the street like a horse, taking your yellow toenails on a cavalry parade? Then why not wear flip-flops? In your head you’re on a white sand beach, while everyone around you will also fantasise about their happy place to block out your blackened, peeling feet like those of a city pigeon.
They already make you look like a twat in the winter months, so in summer up the posh-dickwad factor tenfold by wearing them without socks. A footwear option which hints you own a boat or at the very least a Brompton.
Summer classics with rope-covered heels look so much fun! Until you’ve walked four paces in them and realise it’d be easier to join the circus and walk around on actual stilts. The closed-toe variants will spare you taming your buzzard’s talons.
Massive black leather boots
You’ve worn chunky, lace-up, Dr. Martens every single day of the year, so why feel obliged to change just because the season has? By mid-afternoon you’ll be squelching around in two mini-mangrove swamps and sweat will squirt from the eighteen holes with each step. But what a relief they’ll be to take off.