Six footwear options for your gross repellent feet in a heatwave

SUMMER is here, shoes are unwearably hot and you’re searching for other options. Treat your repugnant feet to these:  

Sandals

Willing to lacerate the very feet you walk upon? Slip on a pair of lovely strappy sandals. Every step is a double-edged blister generator and your toes will soon be as red as your nail varnish. For extra discomfort, simply add a heel.

Canvas trainers

Your feet will thank you for your comfy choice, as will your fungal infections which will thrive in the sweaty microclimate you’re creating. To more swiftly turn them into a bioweapon omit socks; within a fortnight the smell will be so bad you’ll have to keep them in the garden at night.

Flip-flops

Like to clippity-clop down the street like a horse, taking your yellow toenails on a cavalry parade? Then why not wear flip-flops? In your head you’re on a white sand beach, while everyone around you will also fantasise about their happy place to block out your blackened, peeling feet like those of a city pigeon.

Loafers

They already make you look like a twat in the winter months, so in summer up the posh-dickwad factor tenfold by wearing them without socks. A footwear option which hints you own a boat or at the very least a Brompton.

Espadrille wedges

Summer classics with rope-covered heels look so much fun! Until you’ve walked four paces in them and realise it’d be easier to join the circus and walk around on actual stilts. The closed-toe variants will spare you taming your buzzard’s talons.

Massive black leather boots

You’ve worn chunky, lace-up, Dr. Martens every single day of the year, so why feel obliged to change just because the season has? By mid-afternoon you’ll be squelching around in two mini-mangrove swamps and sweat will squirt from the eighteen holes with each step. But what a relief they’ll be to take off.

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This is all Greta Thunberg's fault, grumbles Britain

THE people of Britain are blaming the heatwave on Greta Thunberg because she told them it would happen.

With temperatures set to hit 40 degrees, the nation’s ire has turned to the diminutive Swedish teen who single-handedly brought the heatwave about by predicting it.

Julian Cook of Highgate said: “So she’s come out, said it’s going to happen, and now it has suddenly she’s busy at school up where it’s cool and Nordic? Bunking off her responsibilities once again?

“It’s all very well giving impassioned speeches about the fiery catastrophe the planet is hurtling towards, but now she’s left us clearing up her mess. When historians look back on this time they’ll take a very dim view of her.”

Sales assistant Charlotte Phelps said: “Swanning around on racing yachts alerting people to the very real and deadly side effects of climate change was irritating then. But it seems bloody irresponsible now.

“Anything she does now will be too little too late. She had her chance to save the world and she f**ked it. Didn’t anyone tell her there’s no planet B? Nice one, Greta. I hope you’re proud.”