Dogs announce plan to not move at all

THE nation’s dogs have unveiled their plan to get through this heatwave by not moving from one spot throughout. 

Dog have confirmed that advice about closing curtains in the day and opening windows at night does not apply to them, and they will instead manage the heat as best they can by lying completely still in doorways.

Springer spaniel Chilli said: “Don’t f**k with us about this. Don’t go sending us outside or throwing balls or any of that shit.

“It’s too hot, we’re covered in hair, our only method of losing heat is having our tongues out, however bad this is for you it’s worse for us. So go along with it.

“Yes, we look like we’re either about to die or already dead. Don’t bother us with your concern. Moving at this point could be terminal.

“Leave your dog undisturbed, go about your business, food in the evening as usual. Now leave me the f**k alone. It’s hot.”

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'This old thing?' says woman about £300 dress bought yesterday

A WOMAN complimented on her £300 sundress has modestly pretended it is no more than a soiled rag she unearthed from the bottom of a bin. 

Hannah Tomlinson bought the brand new LK Bennett dress after seeing it on the Duchess of Cambridge, but is now committed to casually pretending that it cost f**k all and she is not bothered.

She lied: “It’s honestly something I’ve had in the back of my wardrobe for ages. I bought it online and forgot to send it back, I think, so I might as well get a bit of wear out of it.

“I came across it while looking for paint rags and thought I might as well throw it on for the barbecue at the weekend, with my ex and his fiancée and all our most successful friends, which I didn’t think it was worth making any effort for.

“Glad you like it, but enjoy it while you can because I’ll probably bung it in a charity shop bag tomorrow. What, you think it’s flattering? Maybe I’ll hang onto it then.”

Friend Eleanor Shaw said: “We all know how much it cost. We’re all on our phones online shopping all the time. We all saw the look of blind terror on her face when a glass of red wine was knocked over ten feet away.

“But we’re required to play along with the charade and say how impressive it is that something she found crumpled behind a drawer is fabulous. so that’s exactly what we do.”