Tits out: the positive side of climate change, by the Sun

WHAT a scorcher this unprecendented 40-degree weather Britain’s loving is? Worried about it? Consider the upsides, explains the Sun: 

Tits out

As Britain heats the beaches of Bournemouth and Blackpool  will go all European, with sexy birds whipping off bikini tops and going boobs out. No man can argue that global warming is bad when it means you get to see norks on a more regular basis.

Beers in the park

Ever wished those two months of drinking Carlsberg in the local park in summer could last forever? Now that we’ll be hitting the mid-30s in March, we can hit the cans night after blistering night. They’re recyclable, so the wokies can’t complain.

Beaches for everyone

With sea levels rising, soon even shitholes like the Midlands will have their own beach, complete with banana boats and fit surfer birds. Imagine getting off at Birmingham New Street and diving into the crystal clear waters of what used to be big Primark.

No need for coats

Layering up is what nanny-state liberals do. With skyrocketing temperatures there’ll be no more cloakroom charge because we’ll all be out on the town in T-shirts and shorts, like revellers in Marbella and Newcastle-upon-Tyne.

No polar bears

Tree-huggers pretend these lads are all cuddly but you wouldn’t want to run into one in a pub toilet. It’s one less predator to worry about and one less animal you and your mates need to argue about whether you could beat in hand-to-hand combat.

F**k Europe

Brexit isn’t done yet. Not while we’re still dependent on the EU for our sunshine breaks. Global warming means that the furthest any Brit will have to go is the coast of their own country, where an Only Fools & Horses-themed pub serving chips is never far away.

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'That looks good enough to eat!' and other witticisms your grandparents will say before eating dinner

GRANDPARENTS enjoy nothing more than spouting hilarious one-liners before stuffing their faces. Which of these do yours prefer?

‘That looks good enough to eat!’

The staple of every elderly person’s repertoire of shit pre-dinner gags. You’d have thought they would have got bored of saying this bon mot after 50-odd years, but no. As inevitable as their imminent death and taxes, your grandparents will trot this classic out and expect to be greeted with gales of rapturous laughter every time.

‘There’s enough here to feed a horse!

Grandparents feel entitled to remind younger generations that they were used to smaller portions when they were growing up. But even the pickiest nag would make short work of the M&S tuna pasta bake and handful of salad you’ve just presented to your nan.

‘You’ll do well to get on the outside of that!’

Ignoring the obvious fact that you generally eat a plate of food from the outside in, your grandparents are suggesting the four sausages and mash you’ve served yourself are the height of gluttony. Either that or they still think you’ve got an eating disorder because you mentioned vegetarianism once in 1997.

‘We won’t go hungry tonight!’

No, they won’t. Because after the pub lunch you’re driving them home to a fridge that’s filled with their Friday Ocado delivery. Grab another quick pint before you drop them off and try to forget that whilst they might have experienced rationing in the 1950s, they now also have 30 times more disposable income than you do. 

‘You’ll never put a better bit of butter on your knife!’

The total lack of bread or butter on the table won’t stop your granddad from repeating his favourite tongue-twister that you first heard when you were four. Was it an advertising slogan? Does he think the horseradish is butter? Is he asking for some butter? Christ knows. Grin and down half your Tesco Finest IPA in one swig.