YOUR holiday is booked, but your flabby mass is nowhere near beach body ready. Here are your worst features and how to disguise them.
Consistent exercise over the past couple of months would have slimmed these down. But you couldn’t be arsed, which is why you’re a fat bastard in the first place. The best solution is to bind your legs tightly with sellotape and hope it squishes some of the flab up into your shorts/bikini.
Only one course of action here: an impractical crash diet and extreme exercise. Your body won’t have time to process the effects of five hours in the gym every night and a diet of low-fat yoghurt. However, as anyone who’s just started exercising knows, you feel as if you’re really healthy. So you can lurch around bars pestering women with the confidence of Chris Hemsworth, not realising you’re more like a sunburnt Chris Biggins.
Corpse-like pale skin
Does your delicate, English rose complexion resemble a ghost with anaemia? You’ll feel very self-conscious when surrounded by healthily tanned Europeans so overcompensate by slapping on some fake tan. If you don’t immediately look bronzed, slather more on, and more. When you suddenly look like Peter Sellers doing a particularly offensive impression of an Indian, you’ve cracked it. Just don’t do the accent.
Puny abs, biceps, et al
Rippling muscles have been the male beauty ideal for years, but there’s no chance of getting bulging pecs and a six-pack in a week or so. You could try drawing them on with a marker pen, but you’re better off sticking with the all-purpose solution of the body-ashamed everywhere: baggy clothes. There could be the body of an Olympic athlete under that sweatshirt.
Or to use the correct dermatological term, gammonicus furiosa. You can lay off the booze and stop ranting about the lack of Rwanda deportations, but there isn’t time to reap the benefits of normal blood pressure. However it doesn’t really matter as chances are you’ll be holidaying in a Brit enclave in Spain where everyone looks like an angry red M&M anyway.