MANAGED to escape your kids for two minutes? Congratulations. Here is how you will squander your precious free time.
Aimlessly scroll on your phone
A modern classic. The moment those little bastards are out of the door, the sense of relief is palpable. You sit down on the sofa for a brief pause only to snap out of it three hours later when their grandparents have brought the f**kers back. And all you’ve done is scroll through Instagram until your thumb has RSI.
Row with your partner
Having children makes it difficult to have a proper go at your partner. Once your little ones are out the door though, you’re free to let rip in the most expletive-filled rant imaginable. It’s a shame though, because this brief window of child-free time was when you were planning to have sex for the first time since you became parents.
Fail to think of anything fun to do
The morning began with such promise. You dropped your kid into nursery first thing then spent two hours failing to think of anything to do, before realising you’ve procrastinated for so long you’ve missed the last screening of Top Gun: Maverick. You’ve f**ked it. Just sit in silence until you go to pick them up.
Look at photos of your kids
New parents are particularly guilty of this one. They could use their free time to catch up on some much-needed sleep, but they never do. Instead they’ll flick through cute photos of their little one from earlier in the day, then get worried about potential accidents they just made up which might befall them. How relaxing.
Half do lots of stuff
With the children out of the way, it’s time to sort of do a bunch of important tasks. You could get halfway through the washing-up before leaving it to soak, then move on to not quite finishing the ironing while kind of but not really watching a film. At this rate you’ll be on top of your life in 30 years.