Wedding DJ wondering where his life went wrong

A MAN who plays other people’s music at weddings is trying to pinpoint where his life went horribly wrong.

Roy Hobbs earns a living by attending the weddings of strangers and pressing the play button on his sound deck, yet he cannot shake the feeling that there should be more to his one fleeting existence.

He said: “You can’t imagine how soul-destroying it is the hear drunken dickheads sing along to Bohemian Rhapsody night after night. If I have to hear Mr Brightside one more time I swear I’m going to end it all.

“I can’t even join everyone for some fun on the dance floor. The best I can manage in my stupid booth is a sway or a pathetic little bop. I look like a prick. When people find out what my job is they never look impressed.

“Every time I play the song for the first dance a voice in my head asks why I didn’t learn to drive ambulances or study to be a lawyer instead. Then maybe my kids wouldn’t say I’m in prison when their friends ask what I do.”

Hobbs’ daughter Helen said: “It all went downhill for dad ever since mum left him for a hospital radio DJ. Even though he’s trying his best, nobody can compete with those James Dean-esque bad boys.”

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The wankers have got there first, Britain learns

TODAY the UK is to attempt to visit a beach, open-air pool or country park only to discover the wankers have got there first.

Following a week of searing heat, the entire country has resolved to visit a location where they can make the most of it only to discover it is already packed with twats.

Nathan Muir of Crawley said: “We woke up, f**king boiling already, and decided the only way the day could be at all bearable was if we got to the coast. Delightfully, everyone else had the same idea.

“So we queued in traffic, then we circled car parks, then we headed to a litter-strewn beach where every inch was already taken by up-early arseholes with picnic blankets and fold-out chairs. It sucked. We’re doing it again tomorrow.”

Personal trainer Jo Kramer agreed: “The open-air pool was booked, all the National Trusts were full and so we went on the Four Waterfalls trail, which was essentially a four-and-a-half mile shuffling queue of total scum wankers.

“It was awful and brought back terrible memories of shitting in a bag up Snowden back in the summer of 2020. We need another lockdown to keep these pricks at home.”