GOOD morning. As a meteorologist I create the weather, and last week my globalist paymasters ordered a record-breaking heatwave. Here’s how I did it.
Change to centigrade
The British people are genetically hardwired to only understand Imperial measurements, so switching to centigrade decades ago was crucial to our scam. Nobody’s known the real temperature ever since, apart from anyone under 50 and they don’t count.
Befog the forecasts
Old-style forecasts, delivered by trusted presenters who weren’t in the pay of the New World Order like Michael Fish, had simple, straightforward stick-on suns. We ditched those and brought in hysterical, panic-inducing purple and black to terrify the credulous.
Clear the clouds
Those days could have been pleasantly overcast, but that didn’t fit our agenda. So we stopped our fleet of commercial jets spreading chemtrails and instead had them hoover up the clouds, which we’re storing in warehouses for when we need non-GM crops to fail.
Turn off the wind
To create the illusion of hotter weather an order went out: ‘Turn off the wind farms.’ Yes, natural wind was long ago replaced by our network of off and on-shore wind turbines. They never generated electricity. You fell for that? Ha ha ha.
Turn up the thermostats
Every thermostat in Britain has a microchip in it controlled by Bill Gates. A simple twist of the hand from his secret bunker orbiting the earth and everyone’s heating goes up while the thermostat reads normally.
Cause media panic
The mainstream media is ours, so spreading a message of terror was no problem. Body heat is largely psychosomatic so once we told you the record temperatures you started sweating, pumping out heat and creating the very conditions we’d lied about.
Sit back
All our plans and preparations paid off, from the decades-long climate change hoax to hiring foreign meteorologists who would cheerfully betray Britain. Now I’m just kicking back with my piles of money, cocaine and high-class hookers all meteorologists get as standard.
