Leaf-blowing not as much fun as it looks

BLASTING leaves with a handheld air cannon is surprisingly frustrating, it has been claimed.

Financial advisor Tom Booker, who’d watched men blowing leaves about for years and thought it looked great fun, regrets purchasing a leaf blower.

He said: “Even getting one leaf to go where you want it to go takes up to an hour, during which you’ll have scattered all the other leaves.

“In future, whenever someone uses the metaphor ‘it’s like herding cats’ I’ll correct them with ‘no, it’s like blowing leaves’.”

The leaf-blower will join other devices in Booker’s garage which looked like a laugh and turned out not to be, including a strimmer, a pressure washer and an orbital sander.

Leaf-blowing father-of-two Roy Hobbs said: “My wife says the only reason I like holding a large tubular buzzing device at groin level is because I wish I had a big cock.

“And she is correct.”

Professional gardener Nathan Muir said: “If you actually want to clear up leaves, I recommend a device that we in the trade call ‘a broom’.”

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Professor Xavier defends free school

THE headteacher of a free school has denied it over-emphasises superpowers.

Professor Charles Xavier, aka Professor X, hit out at criticisms that teachers at the Xavier Institute have no professional qualifications and wear too much skintight spandex.

He blasted: “Mr Logan may or may not have a teaching degree – he can’t remember anything before 1983 – but he has valuable experience fighting Sentinel robots.

“The classroom is all very well, but truly gifted pupils learn more on field trips to the Shi’ar Empire than they can from books.

“And if using your mutant power to fire beams of pure kinetic energy while shouting ‘I’ll use my mutant power to fire beams of pure kinetic energy!’ isn’t on the National Curriculum, it should be.”

Ofsted inspectors criticised the school for forcing pupils to give up their real names, its lax attitude toward romance between teenage girls and faculty members, and lack of choice in the school canteen.

The report continued: “Of further concern are budgets, with just £5,500 spent annually on textbooks, £230,000 spent on X-branded uniforms, and £4 billion spent on Blackbird stealth aircraft.”

Education Secretary Michael Gove said: “Professor X’s school is exactly the kind of success story that shows why we need free schools, and I’m not just saying that because I’m in thrall to his telepathic powers.

“He has also promised that any parent who loses their original child during the graduation process will receive a substitute from an alternate timeline.”