Probability of surviving today virtually zero

BRITONS must today face either the deadly weather or poisonous spiders.

As storms batter the UK, millions of workers tossed coins to decide whether they would rather be claimed by falling masonry or the colony of agitated False Widows in the loft.

Office worker Wayne Hayes said: “I can’t leave my house because of the elements and I can’t stay in it because of the killer spider invasion.

“As I see it, my only chance is to tunnel down through the kitchen floor. But it’s very solid and I don’t have a pick axe.

“Already I’m sure I can hear the soft patter of arachnid feet coming down the stairs.

“Not that they have feet as such but you know what I mean.”

Sussex-based sales manager Emma Bradford said: “I was Facebook gloating to my friends in the North, because I don’t have to go to work and also because I don’t live in the North.

“Then I remembered the spiders. Fuck! I’ve got a can of deodorant and a lighter, at least I can take a few of them with me.”

Dangerologist Michael Fish said: “They say these things come in threes, so my guess is that wolves are being re-introduced tomorrow.”

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Lou Reed moves into sleazy downtown area of Heaven

DECEASED musician Lou Reed has moved into the area of Heaven where there is heroin and transsexual hookers.

Speaking via a medium, the Velvet Underground songwriter said he was delighted to discover Heaven has a sleazy, low-life district reserved for famous musicians.

He said: “I’m actually enjoying Heaven, surprisingly you can get smack here.

“And the great thing is that you can do loads of heroin without any ill-effects because you don’t have a physical body.

“And you don’t have to wear robes, you can wear your own clothes. It’s much cooler than you’d think.

“I’m thinking of writing an album about this androgynous angel I’ve met called Toni.”

God confirmed that recreational drugs and sexual experimentation were permitted in the East Seraphim region of Heaven.

He said: “All the good blues musicians went to Hell. And like many bearded, white men I really like blues. So we decided to review our admissions policy.

“Basically if you’ve made more than two good albums you can come in.”

God added: “Hey look, there’s Dee Dee Ramone! Cool.”