London no longer just a metaphorical desert

A RAIN of sand from the Sahara has finally made London the desert that it always was in spirit, it has been confirmed.

The capital, whose streets are now dominated by endless rolling dunes and the parched cries of the dying, is now as fatal to the physical body as it has always been to the soul.

Hedge fund manager Tom Booker said: “When I saw the blood rain spatter against the windows this morning, my initial thought was that it was a bit heavy-handed as a metaphor.

“But as the city was buried up to the fourth storey, becoming an endless vista of bleak dunes where survival can only be measured by the day, I realised that finally the exterior world matched the interior one.

“I’m setting out for Battersea tonight, with a team of native guides and a train of camels, but they say there is only a 20 per cent chance we will survive.”

Londoner Carolyn Ryan said: “Amid the bleached bones an oasis is but a mirage, the few trading posts charge unbelievable amounts for the most basic supplies and any companionship inevitably ends in betrayal.

“And now it’s covered in sand.”


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Once-a-year punters still awaiting news of last year’s horse

ONCE-A-YEAR gamblers have yet to hear anything of last year’s Grand National flutter, insisting it may still be on the final furlong.

It is estimated that a quarter of the adult population will bet on this year’s race, with the average gambler losing track of their horse within 20 seconds of the start.

Tom Logan, of Warrington said: “My horse was definitely there, but the commentary was too fast.  I haven’t heard anything for the last 11 months.

“It’s looking like it didn’t win outright, but I won’t give up on Twirling Magnet until I see his lovely face. He may just be playing the long game.”

Grand National organiser Bill McKay said: “There are hundreds of horses running tomorrow, all pretty much identical, so in truth we’ve got no idea where half of them will end up.

“Horses are intelligent, powerful animals. They’re not going to be bossed around by a little man with a whip.”