'Lovely light mornings' thinks woman yet to comprehend cost of time's evil bargain

A WOMAN enjoying a daylight commute will only realise the true price of her devilish deal with time at around 4pm today. 

Jo Kramer of Lincoln strode into work in pleasant yellow sunshine, heedlessly yet to understand the terrible cost which awaits in the all-too-near future.

She said: “It’s been a bit gloomy opening up first thing, you know? A bit too dark for my liking. It affects my mood.

“But today it’s brighter, it’s warmer, it puts a swing into rolling up the metal shutters on the nail bar. Fills you with optimism. I can’t see there being any ruinous, crushing consequences coming down the line.

“Now I must reset the clocks before the customers arrive. Don’t want them getting confused.”

Kramer is expected to begin looking worried at 3pm, with the bleak truth dawning on her an hour later until by 5pm she is shouting ‘Take it back! Take your deal back!’ at the grim, silent darkness that envelops her.

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Five health benefits of thinking about going to the gym

GOING to the gym puts a perilous strain on your heart and muscles. These are the health benefits of just thinking about exercising.

Improved mood

Imagine how good it must feel to tell someone you’ve swum 50 lengths in 30 minutes. Now imagine you can just lie about your achievement and spend your time sprawled on the sofa eating crisps instead. Not even the endorphin rush of smashing a personal best can compare to that feeling of undue pride.

Avoiding injury

Gyms are filled with machines that will f**k you up if you don’t know what you’re doing. And even if you’ve been shown how to use them by a condescending instructor they can still snap a limb if you’re too weak to use them. Which you are. Avoid injury altogether by not entering the same building as a dumbbell.

Reduced stress

Everyone’s worried about money at the minute, even without spending £25 a month on the cheapest gym membership package. Make a 100 per cent discount on this outgoing by never signing up in the first place and staying at home. The layer of blubber you’ll accumulate will also help you save on energy bills this winter.

It’s easier to carb load

Increasing the number of carbohydrates you eat can temporarily raise your metabolism and help promote weight loss. So you don’t want to be undoing all your hard work by burning them off on an elliptical. Instead, roll to the nearest Co-op, pick up a bag of custard doughnuts and stuff your face. The pounds will effortlessly drop off in no time.

You won’t feel like a prick

People who spend all their time in the gym are self-obsessed twats. You don’t want to become like these vain pricks because it will bring down your self-esteem. Sitting on your arse is much better for your self-image, although you might die from a heart attack as you bend over to reach the TV remote when you’re 50.