YESTERDAY’S 24-hour heatwave claimed the lives of nine men who were overwhelmed by sex thoughts.
The victims died of cardiac arrest after their bodies were unable to divert blood from the heart, to the groin and back again within a single day.
Coroner Julian Cook said: “Hot weather, with its attendant summer dresses and compulsion to reproduce, can reduce even the most cultivated human male to a slavering beast who should not be allowed on public transport.
“Men are currently in a weakened state, both mentally and physically, following the recent extended spell of sunshine. For these nine males, yesterday’s weather represented one boner too many.”
He added: “We are pitiful creatures who really should be living in caverns.”
Emma Bradford’s husband Stephen was one of the victims. She said: “He told me, ‘I don’t want to go to work today, it’s sunny and that makes me go weird. Can’t we just lie around doing it?’
“I didn’t get it – it just looked like a nice day to me.
“Stephen was an essentially decent person whose Achilles’ heel was less of a heel and more a penis.”