Men die of horniness in one-day heatwave

YESTERDAY’S 24-hour heatwave claimed the lives of nine men who were overwhelmed by sex thoughts.

The victims died of cardiac arrest after their bodies were unable to divert blood from the heart, to the groin and back again within a single day.

Coroner Julian Cook said: “Hot weather, with its attendant summer dresses and compulsion to reproduce, can reduce even the most cultivated human male to a slavering beast who should not be allowed on public transport.

“Men are currently in a weakened state, both mentally and physically, following the recent extended spell of sunshine. For these nine males, yesterday’s weather represented one boner too many.”

He added: “We are pitiful creatures who really should be living in caverns.”

Emma Bradford’s husband Stephen was one of the victims. She said: “He told me, ‘I don’t want to go to work today, it’s sunny and that makes me go weird. Can’t we just lie around doing it?’

“I didn’t get it – it just looked like a nice day to me.

“Stephen was an essentially decent person whose Achilles’ heel was less of a heel and more a penis.”

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Camping for a week resets body clock to half-past insane

SPENDING a week in a tent is long enough for you to believe that it was actually a good idea in the first place.

Researchers found that anything less than a week left the participants with the keen sense they are being punished for having unclean thoughts.

Julian Cook, professor of horrible, stupid ideas at Roehampton University, said: “For the first two days you simply want to die.

“Days three and four usually involve getting up at 5.30am, going to the toilet like a Burmese convict and then standing on the edge of a gorge for nine hours while you decide whether throwing yourself into the void will be better than using that lavatory again.”

He added: “Days five and six involve entering the ‘dark caves of the soul’ where you see the cackling faces of dead Carry On stars while massive, bright red nylon wolves tell you to have more beans and sausages and then slash at you with claws made from Swiss Army knives.

“By the end of day seven you are are convinced that you are entirely happy and can now be detained under section four of the Mental Health Act.

“Despite the looks of genuine concern on their faces, you will tell everyone you had the best holiday ever and that you feel totally ‘recharged’.

“But in the years to come you will occasionally wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in your own urine, clawing at your face and barking like a wild boar. You will assume it is some kind of 24-hour bug.”

Bill McKay, who camped for a week three years ago, said: “We had an absolutely lovely time but for some reason I don’t want to talk about it, ever.”