Midlands earthquake leaves trail of pound shops and coffee chains

AN earthquake in Rutland has left Midlands towns a bleak, devastated, landscape of nothing but Poundstretchers and Costa Coffees.

Yesterday’s quake, measuring 3.8 on the Richter scale, was thought to have been too small to cause any damage until TV footage of the grim, hopeless towns of Oakham and Kettering was screened.

Relief co-ordinator Bill McKay said: “What we are seeing in Kettering is just hideous.

“Charity shops, catalogue remainder shops, the kind of department stores everyone thought closed in the 1970s with names like Gibbonson’s, and everywhere human flotsam and jetsam carrying whatever they’d managed to salvage in plastic bags.

“This isn’t survivable. Even though the residents are reluctant to leave their hovels we’re shipping everyone to Leicester for their own safety.”

Cash has been pouring in to the relief fund after harrowing TV reports, and when the target of £3.8 million is met the towns will be leveled by bulldozers and rebuilt from scratch.

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Millions of Britons making extra money as mucus factories

MILLIONS of people are earning second incomes by turning their bodies into 24-hour mucus production facilities.

A simple non-invasive procedure transforms the nose and throat into thriving mucus factories which work whether you are at home, at work, awake or asleep.

Helen Fisher of Leicester said: “From first thing in the morning, when I cough up patties of fluorescent green phlegm, right through the day when I fill tissue after tissue, my body’s working overtime while I sit back.

“Certainly there are unpleasant side effects like fever, exhaustion and a constant buzzing in the head but it’s well worth it for that second wage.”

Dr Mary Fisher said: “Becoming a mucus farm is so easy you won’t even know it’s happened until that sweet, sweet mucus starts to come.”

Nobody is quite sure what the mucus is used for but providers are confident it is not unpleasant.