Most British wildlife now living in abandoned DVD libraries

THE majority of Britain’s hedgehogs, moles and hares have made homes in derelict DVD libraries.

The libraries, which were constructed in the last decade and are now largely abandoned, have returned to nature and become a refuge for the country’s largely unremarkable wildlife.

A Wildlife Trust spokesman said: “Adders like to curl up around season 1-5 of 24, otters love Christmas Top Gear spin-offs and the muntjac deer likes the open spaces of a Sopranos box with the first four series lent out.”

Hairdresser Carolyn Ryan said: “My flatmate and I were watching Netflix when I thought I saw movement behind my DVDs of Ricky Gervais Live.

“I picked it up and, once the dust had cleared, saw a pair of black eyes staring back at me. Apparently six generations of pine martens have lived and died underneath my Sex and the City collectors’ edition boxset.

“It’s incredible to think that, hidden behind three series and a Christmas special of Little Britain, an entire ecosystem was thriving. Before I had them gassed.”

 

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Telepathy ‘would be total nightmare’

TELEPATHY would be a huge step forward in human evolution and also an absolute nightmare, scientists have confirmed.

Following experiments which proved communicating by thought was possible, scientists warned of a coming dystopia of grotesque embarrassment.

Neuroscientist Dr Donna Sheridan said: “You go into work claiming you’ve had a quiet weekend while your mind tells everyone Saturday night involved knocking back a full bottle of Listerine.

“And while you lie to your boss, he’s inadvertently sending mental images of his Sunday dogging with obese tattooed couples in a Swindon car park.

“Every encounter with other humans would immerse us in a soup of vile, alien and simply tedious thoughts about everything from retraining as a graphic designer to the music of David Soul.”

Scientists have also cancelled research into contacting the dead, claiming it would be like talking to their great-grandparents times a million.